Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
we got our weddings pictures a few days ago. it's so crazy to think that we've been married less than five months. that day seems so very long ago. wow. i have been living with my best friend and lover for almost five months! i am so blessed, to wake up everyday with him, spend time with him. cry, laugh, fight and love with him is more than i ever thought it would be. more work. more happiness. more tears and more smiles.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sometimes we talk.
Sometimes it’s in quiet little voices, barely a whisper. Lying in bed together wishing the morning hadn’t come so early today, wishing we could stay here forever.
“Hey baby.” He says. Soft lips touch my face, fingers entwined in my hair.
“Hi” I mumble trying to remember where I am, “Is it morning already?” I’m a mess in the morning, normally it takes me a long time to wake up and compute the world around me.
“Yes. Come and wake up with me!” he says jumping on the bed, curling up next to or rather on top of me. We cuddle. He tickles me. I try to laugh but am so sleepy. He jumps out of bed and pulls the covers off my body, which is not very nice at all.
“I’m SO cold!” I say curling up tighter.
“No!” he says putting cold hand on my legs, “You are SO hot!” laughing he leaves the room with an “Oh baby!”. I sigh and pull covers back on me, tight around my face.
“Will you turn the water on?” I call out. I need tea. I want to go back to bed. Sleep. I love sleeping in. But soon I hear him making breakfast. I sigh realizing I should probably get up now.
Bed warm feet hit the floor. The day begins.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
eyes squint open, nearly open, but are soon closed again in the quiet sleep that you left. morning again. another monday. in and out of sleep you travel, unaware of your surroundings. you know blankets and stillness. you know quiet breathing next to you. a creak of the bed as he rolls over, arms around you now as he holds you tight and sighs. neither of you want to move. maybe if you stay very still the moment will continue, the alarm won't go off. maybe if you hold very still you can stay here forever, suspended in time in the still quiet morning with breathing to sooth you and arms to keep you warm.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
silent sunshine is streaming through my open window. streaming quietly, gently onto my sleepy face. eye lids flutter, head nuzzles the pillow. wrapped up in an old quilt i am sitting, welcoming in the morning with a sleepy, happy face. hello sun. hello tea. hello quiet world. the warmth from the sun feels so comforting on my face. a little hug. i close my eyes and stretch my neck up onto the pillow, trying to get as much sun as possible onto my skin. so warm. so quiet.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
quick. sit down and write it out. right here. right now. before it slips away, that thought that is the inspiration, the idea in one sentence. don't think, just write and then sitting before you, after a few tense minutes in which you listen to music with all your heart, typing away with unsure fingers, it sits. there before you are your thoughts composed in a few short sentences. most people won't understand. most people won't like it, but you feel better, as if a bubble was popped, as if a blister was stuck, an oil line was drilled allowing the pressure out. letting the pressure of your air conditioned little thoughts out of your head, out of your heart. now you are free. go and do something productive while the pressure is still relieved.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Drops of warm summer rain bouncing off green open leaves mimicked the smiling guest faces that were covered in drops of rain and the occasional tears. Puddles of watery mud covered the ground, covered the path, and covered the hem of my white silk dress. The path ended as we neared the rows of chairs, my father whispering in my ear, my heart beating and my head swimming with the scene before me. So many people, so many faces, eyes falling on the two of us as we walked out of the rain and into the airy tent. Light from so many paper lanterns cast a warm glow on the guests, who smiled with anticipation. There we were, my father and I standing before the crowd of people. Yet while we walked up the aisle, people rising around us looking at us, I saw only one person. Through the lace veil my mom had made I saw him. My love. My boy. My Caleb. Our eyes met and I couldn’t stop smiling. He was so perfect. Light gray suit, black tie and those piercing pencil colored eyes, looking at me, looking through me as they always had. There he was, the person I had been waiting for, the person I had been saving myself for. Before me, smiling that smile I knew so well stood my best friend, my lover.
Then my veil was being lifted up, a kiss on the cheek from my Dad. I hugged him tight and whispered “I love you Daddy”. I had to tell him to put the lace back over my face, causing the crowd to laugh, before he took Caleb’s hand. With that handshake my Dad gave me away. He gave his little girl to her love, and stepped back. Caleb grasped my hands tight as we stood there before family, friends and our God. My heart was beating so fast, my eyes kept scanning his face, trying to take in the moment. “Hey” he mouthed as we stood there, “Hey” I replied silently as our pastor spoke about love and commitment. I vaguely remember repeating our vows, trying not to cry as Caleb told me he would love me, take care of me, as I vowed to honor him and love him till death parted us. Then I was given the cold ring and looking into his shinning eyes slid the band of gold onto his warm finger. I thought I would break down right then and there as he stood before me, rings gleaming on our fingers. Thoughts ran through my head as I looked at him. How had this day arrived already? Was time moving faster than it normally did? My head was spinning, but it along with my heart stopped as our pastor announced us and told Caleb to kiss me, his bride. Through the lace I saw his shaking hands, saw his fingers grasp the veil and lift it. Then I straightened, Caleb’s hand was on my face as he lifted my chin up. And we kissed. Husband and wife, we kissed. Peace flooded me in that moment. Time stood still. Finally we were together, no more good-byes, we were together. In that moment all was still, all was silent and I was no longer a bride, no longer stressed and full of anxiety. I was simply Bekah, a girl, a woman, kissing Caleb, a boy, my man. We were married. Pulling away from each other we were met with applause from those we loved and hand in hand we walked out, out into the rain, into the rest of our lives.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
it started when you signed up for college classes your freshmen year. when you went to orientation. it started when you first noticed a guy hitting on you, as you stood twirling your hair, bitting your lip, wondering if all of college would be like this. it started with that tiny bit of confedence you got. started when you stood up straighter. before it ends, and it will end, there was countless walks to class, your hands deep in your pockets, music flowing into your ears as you avoided eye contact with other students. maybe you were an anti-social homeschool child. it started with all of those summer days spent with friends. tubbing down the river, laughing so hard you couldn't breathe. it started with the first time you saw your older sister cry and tried to imagine how love could be anything but detremental to the soul. it started with that fight you had with your parents about politics, the anger you felt at not being understood. maybe you didn't understand after all. it started with fittings, fashion shows and photo shoots. it started with staying up late sewing while your roomate tried not to hear the hum of the sewing machine. you watched late night tv alot. it started with your first bible study. the adult you found yourself becoming as you learned more about your God, your faith. as you learned that it was your own and not your parents faith that dwelled within you. it started when you talked to him for the first time. his voice was higher than you remembered. the first time you saw him walking up the sidewalk, his hands deep in his pockets. he was so hot. you couldn't believe why he was interested in you. it started when you saw him take that deep breath as he came closer. he was so nervous. it started with that first smile. the way you jumped into his arms and the way that he caught you, swinging you around so you felt like kid again. it was the way that his heart beat, so fast, as you laid your head on his chest. finally. finally.
and now it ends. one week until it ends. one week until it begins.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
it has been too long since i've taken the time to write. funny to think in busy london i somehow found the time to write either here or in a notebook every few days. entries about love and school, fashion and travel. now i am home in green wisconsin, surrounded by my family and friends and a two page "To Do" list that i will, will, WILL have finished before june 5th! damnit!
june 5th. 7 weeks. 49 days.
and then it all changes. and then i become the next version, move onto the next place and begin my new adventure with my hot best friend at my side. smile. i am getting married.
one day you are playing run away from the orphanage, then you are drooling over your current crush, then you are applying for colleges, finding your own voice and soon you stop. look in the mirror and realize this is it. it has begun. the beginning of the rest of it all.
sometimes i get sad. i get worried that i am somehow killing some part of myself with the words "i do", that she will be dead and gone. sad. i like that bekah. the crazy, traveler bekah who doesn't need anyone's second opinion because she is so sure of her own. but wait. i'm not killing her, she is just growing, and changing and obtaining a new companion. one who happens to know and love all versions of her no matter how feminist that one certain part of her is (oh ani!). this new companain who has chosen to love and care for me, who has been doing so for quite some time now. oh how i love him!
so happy to go forward yet so content and greatful for these few weeks left. i need to smell the cool spring a bit longer, and have random picnics in the barn with my little sisters. i need to run up and down these gravel hills a few more times with my dear friends before i go run the flat sunny pavement with him. happy. anxious. in love.
currently wearing: long sleeve thermal, sweats and thick, thick socks.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
weekend trip to san francisco
i love this boy...
oh life. now i am at home... the farm... parents house... so confusing. england. california. wisconsin. friends. family. caleb. so many places my little heart wants to be. i feel splintered.
time for hot coco.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
maybe i should stay. maybe i should live in a boat house on the coast in wales and write and have babies and drink tea. maybe i should have caleb come here and live. we would be happy in the rual country. just us. together with the wild sea and cold english air.
"oh but california! california coming home. i'm gonna see the folks i dig.... california coming home." oh joni. you have it so right. i am leaving england soon. going back. going home. going at last. going home and then finally to the airport and flying to that sunny state where he is waiting for me.
oh england. i will miss you.
oh caleb. here i come...
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
yesterday i went to the imperial war museum with my british museums class. i've always been interested in military history, especially WWII. i don't like war, but i know that it is necessary for freedom. since dating caleb, who is in the national guard, my views on war have changed slightly. i think i am more supportive now. i also can't watch war movies anymore. i tired last semester. i got about 5 minutes into the filim saving private ryan(which i've seen) before my shoulders started to shake and tears began flowing. i turned it off. so yesterday i was prepared to feel emotional as we entered the museum. we looked at tanks, planes, v2 rockets and machine guns. we also went into the art gallery and stood in front of the painting below. it was entitled "gassed". the class sat in front of it, their pencils flying while our teacher gave us the history and inspiration behind the painting. i sat in the back of the room, my back against the wall, my knees pulled up to my chest, looking. the teacher soon moved onto what we would be doing next class and had a loud discussion with the my peers about exams and so on. i was upset. everyone was being loud and i was suddenly annoyed. i wanted to stand up and shout "not in here. take your mundane talk out of this room. show some respect!" but instead my eyes welled up with tears and i stopped listening to the chatter around me. i was lost in the painting, in the scene it depicted. i imagined caleb in that painting. i imagined our troops in the middle east fighting and dying so that i could be free. i was very quiet. last to leave the room, i looked at the painting one final time. it seemed so strange to have a painting so huge be so quiet. i don't know how to explain it... but it felt like the giant canvas with hundreds of wounded soldiers on it was so deafeningly silent, a silence that took up the whole empty gallery.
after class was over i went back to that room, stood beneath the giant work of art and cried.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
last few days have been a little rough. not that i haven't been having an amazing time over here in london town, but now and then life does seem to take a quick detour down road which has alot of bumps. bumps that sometimes hurt. there have been good things too though. little surprises that make me smile and stand straighter. one such surprise happended yesterday....
i was walking to my internship, hands shoved in pockets, eyes straight ahead. it was very cold and my grey scarf was wound tightly around my face, covering my mouth and nose. i probably looked a bit odd but my trapped breath kept it warm beneath the fabric.
as i walked i thought and pondered, probably a little too much. as i headed down the crowded street wondered how i would react if caleb suddenly appeared and walked right by me. would i even notice him among all of these faces? would i cry or laugh or keep walking? then i wondered, a sense of hopelessness, rising up in my chest what would happened if i simply stopped walking and screamed at the top of my lungs, right there on that busy street. if i simply gave up and screamed caleb's name with all of the emotion and longing that has been welling up inside of me these past two months. but i kept on.
i blinked hard and quick as i demissed the idea and kept walking. be strong. be strong. you are alone and need to be strong. just then i looked up and saw i was about to pass quite a few people. egding over to the side of the pavement i saw a young man talking excitedly on his mobile and closer to me was an older man, hands in pockets like me. as we passed eachother, old and young, male and female, stranger and stranger he said something to me. he didn't look at me or stop he just said very clearly and strongly "Jesus loves you.". i shook my head as i kept walking. what? what did he just say? i turned around to look at him, to wonder if i had just imagined it, but the man was gone, swallowed up in the sea of people crowding the london streets. i turned back around. i smiled. i was loved. i didn't have to be strong. caleb was gone and although he loved me he wasn't there to hold me, or stroke my head and tell me it would be ok. but He was there. He had always been there and continually told me of His perfect love for me, through a message at church, or a bright sunny day or through a stranger. I smiled. "Jesus loves me", i thought and kept walking, down the cold brick streets.
Friday, February 19, 2010
today i met paris. at first i wasn't very impressed with this city. grey and big, filled with city noises and city smells, i thought it was just like any other place. but the day went on. a little cafe for lunch. walking around beaucoup de jardins. ordering une tasse de the avec lait at a cafe. seeing the tour eiffel lit up. going up to the very top, paris laid out in front of me like a sea of jewels. i was wrong. paris is more than just another place... it is paris.
also... throughout my week there i was trying to put my finger on how the city of lights was different from my own london. so this is what i've decided. london is your chum. london is a mate who you can go out and laugh and have a drink with at a pub. now this drink can be good or bad, and your experience can be one that leads to a life long friendship or a rude gesture and the slamming of a door. and paris... paris is like a lover. it romances you as soon as you step out the door and into the city air. with it's beautiful language being spoken, the many bakery shops in which you can order your pain du chocolat and an espresso, paris woos you right down to the way they say bonjour madame when you enter a shop. however, this city, like a lover also has it's downsides. such as rude people looking down upon you for not knowing how to ask perfect directions in french, to the acrid smell of body order, or the many piles of dog crap that litters quite a few streets. it is very, very beautiful but also a bit dirty and smelly.
what do you think? those of you reading that have been to both cities, am i right?
-went for walking tours on which our guide, two teachers from school, talked about the history of paris and it's relationship with fashion and art. we saw old squares, huge buildings, historic shops, and the "tour eiffel"!
-went shopping! we stumbled into every store from dior, prada and other places i was afraid of touching ANYTHING in, to little out of the way boutiques in which i would never buy anything from, to fabric markets and middle of the road places where i did buy things. these things included... leather lace up combat looking boots, a black felt hat compete with brim and bow to hide under, lace for my veil(smiles), fabric to make a swimsuit cover up for my honey moon (smirk) and a few random postcards.
-went out to eat. if i noticed anything in paris it was how expensive it is to eat there! 2.60 euros pour une tasse du the! and seeing how i need tea i shook my head, smiled and put down the 2.60 and drank in the sweet taste.
-visited museums. we went to the louve, and the museum d'orssay. i can't tell you how much i love art. it is so beautiful. far be it from me to know how someone can use simple paint and canvas or a block of stone and a set of tools to create something so amazingly inspiring. needless to say i was all but drooling when i saw paintings by degas and the amazing sculptures such as the goddess of victory nike. she was incredible!
on our last night in paris we got all dressed up and went to a jazz club which was in the basement of a stone pub. it was great. so many couples in love and dancing, old and young, talented and not, and one older, somewhat creepy frenchmen who upon asking me to dance was given the sweet reply of "non merci". we also went out to a few other places and i have decided that 1. french pubs all seem to play music from 10 years ago. 2. it is super funny to hear justin timberlake's music sung with a french accent. and 2. that i was ridiculously awear of by surroundings, including frenchmen, the whole time and wanted nothing more than to get out of those packed places and sit and have a quiet cup of tea with my californian.
on our last day in paris, and the main reason why we went there, we attended "Premiere Vision" which is a giant trade show of fabrics, colors, techniques and trend forecasting for next season. there were over 100,000 people there all researching color combinations and new fabrics. the security was very, very tight and there were no pictures or sketches allowed so everywhere you looked professionals and students alike were writing like mad in little notebooks.
it was an amazing opportunity and i felt very happy and content to be involved in such a creative industry.
so that in a long winded post was my trip to paris.
sorry that i haven't updated in so long and that i haven't written much about paris. i guess i've just been busy. i did write alot while in paris though, on paper not electronically, so i will share some of that this morning.
we were climbing out of the metro, people all around. bodies pressed together as the masses crowded to the stairs toward the cold french air. you can't help but look down as you walk, as you push and shove through the people, up the narrow steps. a couple in front of me talking quietly in french as we approached the stairs. their voices mingling with other voices echoing off the concrete walls as we climbed up. then the cold air, mingled with bits of snow, blew in as we neared the top, neared the outside world. there was the sky, the cold dark sky. about to reach the street with only a few steps left i listened as the lovers conversation ended and then as if they were a single mind, a single heart beat they joined hands. it was so beautifully mutual i smiled. for an instant the world stood still on that metro step, between the tunnels below and paris above. all was quiet in that moment and i felt as if i was witnessing a secret, a beautiful secret. it was such an ordinary action and yet still it make me happy and sad all at once. yes, the city was dark, yes it was huge but love was abundant you only need look for it. then the moment was over. the noisy world came back into focus. we reached the street, the couple was gone, and i walked on emptied handed, into the city of lights.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
i haven't blogged in a while as life has been getting busier. school is starting to get a little hectic with midterm papers looming in a week and the fashion show just four weeks away. i'm also going to paris monday-friday so that cuts out on homework time... but i'm going to paris! i'm so excited to finally go to the city i've been dreaming about since i was in middle school trying to memorize "je suis. tu es. il es...." and so on. oh life. how it moves and changes right before your eyes. sometimes i feel like shouting "wait slow down!". i'll walk down the street and feel like i'm in fast forward mode, people rushing past me, my hair flying back. then again... sometimes i wish i could go forward, onward to the next step but my feet are stuck in glue and i can't move. all in all i am content, or trying to be at least. God has really been teaching me to be content and not so dependant on caleb. i mean, yes of course i am dependant on him, as i think it should be, but i need to be more dependant on God. i need to crave quiet time with my Father more than with my fiance. anyway... that's what i've been learning this past week...
well... i think that's all i got for now.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
collar upturned. hands in pockets gripping onto spare change and bobby pins.
strange faces everywhere. people who remind me of someone, of no one.
a couple turns down my street, holding hands blissfully unaware of the cold. Their hands entwined together in warm flesh.
i ball my fists up, deep in my pockets. i clench my teeth as they draw near. they laugh. they stop to kiss and then continue on. feet away from me. with my thumb i touch the band of gold on my finger. seeking comfort. seeking a reminder. i twist and turn it around in circles as the happy couple draws near.
"you don't understand" i want to yell, looking at them, " i know what that's like. i have that too. it's just not here. he's just not here..."
but i am silent. i blink slowly. breathe slowly. they pass me, she catches my gaze and i silently pray she doesn't detect the hunger in these green eyes of mine.
on i go.
i finger the gold. the diamond. the promise. he is everywhere and nowhere and i am here in this cold city of brick and tea.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
*stops typing to sip cold-tea-that-tastes-gross and blow her nose.*
it's strange that i've been here almost three weeks. strange that i live here and walk to school and take the bus home. strange that i'm surrounded by hundreds of people from all backgrounds constantly. it's strange how fast you get use to it. how fast i've grown accustomed to the pace of london, the grey of london. i didn't realize how normal this city had become until yesterday when i went with a few girls here to oxford for the day. it was so great to get out of london and bus into the country side and visit that historic place. the city of oxford is so very different from london. the streets are cleaner, the buildings are lighter colored, the people are less diverse. it was a beautiful place to visit. standing in the quad of a college that has been teaching young minds since the 1300s was so humbling. i felt small and yet inspired at the same time. tolkien studied there. carrol and lewis lived there. so much history so many stories of young people questing for knowledge. it was amazing.
when we were almost back into london later that night i felt...happy to be back. i loved visiting oxford and found it breathtaking but it was nice to roll into victoria station and take the tube to our little stop in camden town. i felt at home and very content to be here right now.
yes i miss home. yes i miss caleb. yes i want to speed up time until i am back in his arms in sunny california... but i can't. for right now i am here and am determined to live and learn as much as i can during this brief stay in this grey brick city that is becoming my own.
it was a good day.
plus i got an oxford t-shirt. hehe. can't help but be a tourist sometimes.
and now to finish this awful tea and take a nap and pray that i feel better by tomorrow.