morning thoughts.

waking up.

kiss on the forehead.

gentle words.

blurred eyes, opening ever so slightly.

stumble/fumble out of bed, into the light, into his arms.

messy hair.

"hi baby".

smiles. another kiss.

ugg boots are on.

lunch is made.

the tea whistles and is soon poured.

all ready.

"wait! one last cuddle."

arms around me, burrowing my head into his chest.

sigh.

love.

the stillness of the moment...

Pencil colored eyes pierce into swollen, tear stained green ones. Green eyes, swollen eyes connected to a swollen heart, which is, as always feeling too much. Conversations in your head trying to persuade you to believe the things you know aren't true. But still those pencil colored eyes are there, with their ever present stare of love and compassion. Brimming with love they see through me, into me, me the person who i am still getting to know. Arms that hold me, strength confined into a gentle embrace. Scratchy jaw and then soft lips on my forehead, soft words in my ears. How can love be this strong? How could love mean this much? When your whole heart is pulsating with it, with the idea, with the reality. Love that can span a country, an ocean and the walls that are around me. Accepting the love is the real trick of the trade that is this thing called marriage. Trying to imagine how you could be the object of that much affection. Trying to believe that love is a two way street. Blessed beyond measure, tear stained eyes close. Green eyes rest and breathe and listen. The quiet even breath emanating next to you calms the nervous, calms the fluttering heart, the ever thinking brain. Rest. Still. Let him hold you.

-bekah

cold...

my hands are cold. you would think that growing up in the frozen tundra of the midwest would have toughened my internal thermometer, but no. i am always cold. even with the heater on, even with uggs and a sweatshirt and it's only 45 degrees outside. oh help me. i am going to freeze when we go home for christmas.

home. christmas. wisconsin.

i am very excited to go home. very excited to see my family, my friends to breathe in the cold and smell the clean country air. very excited albeit nervous. yes nervous. you see i have been away for a while now, i cut my hair, my nails are almost always a bright turquoise now and i am married. i have been married for 6 months. i have changed. at least i think i have, i feel that i must have. with all of these changes, with so many break throughs, so much i have learned since that sunny day in june when we drove away. i feel like i must have changed. it's hard to tell when it's in yourself, when the change has been happening slowly, like fire licking quietly around the edges of paper. that's part of growing up though right? we change. we love and grow and fight and hurt and get hurt and change. it is good, this grown up change. even though it hurts sometimes more than words could express, it's good, it's needed. therefore i embrace you change. with these cold hands, i embrace you.

-bekah

monday.

husband is gone for the week. missing him and home terribly. i'll skip the depressing whiny post, make some tea and put these nice happy pictures up instead.

happy monday.

bekah

i carry your heart with me...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e cummings

the plan...

lips are chapped, you bite them absentmindedly as you think. you scrape your nails against them, feeling the skin, feeling the touch. you crack your neck and sip your tea and begin...

i love having a plan. i love maps, directions and lists. i love them. i also love feeling free, having the day to do whatever, deciding at the last minute to go somewhere, visit someone. I can be reckless but i like knowing what i will be reacklessly doing.

maybe that doesn't make sense.

in any case. we are now formulating new plans here at the adam's house. previous plan didn't pan out the way we thought. back to square one. my poor little body apparently doesn't like new plans or stress. tjm which continued into possible ear infection, muscle cramping in hips and shoulders, my body likes plans too i guess. my husband is amazing, so very amazing. rubbing lotion into my freaking out planless muscles as he calmly talked to me about our options and future.

"it scares me" i whisper.

"it doesn't have to baby. it will be ok. it IS ok. we are together and that what matters."

i sigh and snuggle in closer to his warmth.

"we are together." i sigh into his chest, "you, me and jesus."

"yes" he says, and i can hear the smile in his voice.

snuggle. snuggle. we are still, we are quiet

"but can we get a fish?" i ask all at once, "i think i want a fish".

"as long as we can call him francis."

we fall asleep.

there is a plan. there is. God has one that is bigger than we can possibly know. also we might get a fish... at least that's the plan.

-bekah

to my husband...

thank you for protecting me.

you draw me up into your arms, holding me tight, you stroke my hair.

thank you for protecting me.

you shield me from myself, telling me not to listen to voices in my head.

thank you for protecting me.

you hold my hand tighter when you know i am afraid.

thank you for protecting me.

you smile and tell me not to eat that burger and then rub my tummy later.

thank you for protecting me.

you work and provide and love and care.

thank you for protecting me.

you give up weekends and that beard you want to grow.

thank you for protecting me.

you face the future and know you will have to leave, yet you continue, yet you endure.

thank you for protecting me.

you wear that uniform, carry that gun, putting your future, our future, in someone else's hands.

thank you for protecting me.

you will pack a duffle, you will leave, i will cry and not understand while you hold me and whisper....

"i am protecting you. i am protecting them."

thank you to all veterans both past and present. thank you.

separating...

Caleb is at drill. He left yesterday at 3pm and wasn't home until 12am. I was happy though because we weren't sure if he'd even get to come home for the night. Bright and early, 6am this morning, we drove to the armory and I dropped him off for the rest of the weekend.

Now here I am, sitting outside, drinking tea and wishing it was Sunday now.

This is where I laugh at myself, because I almost don't know how to function without him here, without hearing from him. I laugh because for almost the entire 18 months that he and I dated we were long distance, ranging from 2,000 to 5,000 miles apart. Now you would think that I would be good at this by now, at separating myself and being strong, but I'm not. I've lost the skill of letting go and still being ok because I wanted to lose it, I was done with it.

However, I married an army guy and therefore need to regain that skill again. Not that only army spouses deal with separation, thousands of couples do it all the time because they have to and they are freaking amazing.

In any case one weekend a month hasn't been so bad but for the past few months my husband and I have been researching and praying about delving deeper into the craziness of the army life. In short we are in the process of making some big changes and trying out for some really amazing opportunities. Which at the end of the day means that if things go as we hope they will Caleb and I will be spending the better part of the new year apart. Again. Will we ever spend a Valentines day together?

So this is what I need learn, this is what I need to do... Learn how to be ok again without him. I am going to stop being so ADHD and focus when he is gone. Not that I don't do anything while he isn't here (sales on Etsy, including custom orders, have never been higher), but I need to do something for myself every now and then. Slow down and read a book. Learn French. Make a really fabulous party dress. I guess what I'm saying is that I need to find some sort of balance because the future of being separated scares me more than I can say. Balance and love and faith.

-bekah

seeing you again...

"...you'll look like a photograph of yourself

taken from far far away

and i won't know what to do

and i won't know what to say..."

-ani

sunday morning...

we woke to cloudy skies that have been threatening rain all day. wind.

the blankets were warm and cuddles were abundant on this stormy morning.

a fire was soon made, making our whole apartment warmish and cheery.

tea and waffles and a lot of nostalgia for breakfast.

married for almost 5 months, we say to each other in wonder.

he smiles.

i smile.

those pencil eyes pierce me with warm love. so loved. so blessed.

tea is gone. wind blows in. more cuddles.

tickling and laughter and then stillness.

shhh..... be still.

"i love you"

"i love you too baby"

bliss.

the mid-week date.

current mood: content

we got our weddings pictures a few days ago. it's so crazy to think that we've been married less than five months. that day seems so very long ago. wow. i have been living with my best friend and lover for almost five months! i am so blessed, to wake up everyday with him, spend time with him. cry, laugh, fight and love with him is more than i ever thought it would be. more work. more happiness. more tears and more smiles.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i am happy. it's sometimes hard to see that in this little blog(if people even read it...mmm.... feeling like meg ryan in "you've got mail" sending things out into the void.). i tend to write when i am feeling a lot because it helps me process things. but this dear friends is a happy feeling, one of contentment and love. this is a blog saying that yes, sometimes it is hard, and yes, i tend to complain, but(and this is crucial) i wouldn't trade it for the world. i am here, living, breathing, loving and learning more about myself, my husband and my God than i ever thought i could.

so happy wednesday everyone!

-bekah

fringe...

on love.

i've been listening to this song called "skinny love", amazing acoustic by bon iver, at lease 5 times a day for the past week. it's amazing. i love acoustic music like this, so powerful and emotional without being too loud or sad.

we've had a lot of ups and downs this week. it's fall and i miss my leaf covered bluffs of wisconsin, the crisp air in the morning and my mom's chex mix. my friend called me this morning and crunched through leaves for me so i could hear the sound, i felt so loved. i am loved, it's just from far away. yet, this love from my husband is the most complete i've ever felt from a human. sometimes i can't believe that he really loves me. even when i slam things around? even when i cry and cry for no apparent reason? even when i'm so, so whiney?

yes, he loves me.

it's a crazy feeling, crazy to try and understand that love. when we were dating i always questioned my love for this california boy, but never questioned his. now it's the other way around. sometimes i get so worried about him driving to work, going for long runs, or the idea of him going to that desert to fight. sometimes i get so worried because i love him, more than i ever thought i could love someone. i literally cannot imagine not loving him. i can't even imagine what it must be like to have kids, experiencing that fierce love of a parent.

no babies for us yet...

in any case, it has been a hard week, not really for us but for me, which i guess in turn means for us. we haven't been fighting or angry or anything, i've just been away from my family for over four months now and sometimes i really miss them. sometimes it physically hurts, which i haven't felt since caleb and i had to say good-bye every month. i hurt for him then, i hurt for them now. sometimes i cry and my love pulls me into his arms and strokes my hair and kissing my forehead and tries to calm me down.

i've been feeling a lot this week, which is, as i'm finding out, so much harder than not feeling.

i think it's healthier though, even though it may not feel like it at times.

little emo kid.

this is what i think...

i think that i am obsessive person. i find something i like. i get an idea and then BAM i obsess over it until it is done. until it is over. then, after i'm done, i am a little blank. i am a little washed out like a chalk drawing on sidewalk after it's rained.

my poor husband. he is beyond amazing and takes care of me when i'm high on my ideas or totally blank and out of inspiration. like an empty, dry mug of tea, which is a very sad thing in itself.

this is what i think... my husband is very perceptive.

a few days ago i was working on a gift for someone. a cute little piece for their little baby. in any case things weren't going so well with this little gift. i kept sewing it wrong or messing up the patterning. i threw it across the room a few times and probably swore a lot, all while my husband calmly made dinner in the kitchen. a while later, when we were sitting at the table finishing up our little concoction of food and sipping our preferred drinks(wine cooler for me, amber ale for him), husband turns to me.

"you know" he says, slowly putting down his fork, "you really are an artist."

"what do you mean?" i ask laughing.

"you know... you get really upset sometimes and throw your stuff on the ground. And you hate it sometimes and you are such a perfectionist. "

"yep." i say sipping my fuzzy navel

"but you love it, you think about it all the time. you HAVE to do it, your that involved. it's just crazy."

i laugh.

it's funny to live with someone and then have them tell things about yourself. i guess he is right though. little emo artist that i am. sometimes i wish i wasn't. sometimes i wish i just liked doing this instead of needing to in order to feel like my universe is in place.

sigh.

at least it's not boring here!

more tea.

-bek

morning dialog

Sometimes we talk.

Sometimes it’s in quiet little voices, barely a whisper. Lying in bed together wishing the morning hadn’t come so early today, wishing we could stay here forever.

“Hey baby.” He says. Soft lips touch my face, fingers entwined in my hair.

“Hi” I mumble trying to remember where I am, “Is it morning already?” I’m a mess in the morning, normally it takes me a long time to wake up and compute the world around me.

“Yes. Come and wake up with me!” he says jumping on the bed, curling up next to or rather on top of me. We cuddle. He tickles me. I try to laugh but am so sleepy. He jumps out of bed and pulls the covers off my body, which is not very nice at all.

“I’m SO cold!” I say curling up tighter.

“No!” he says putting cold hand on my legs, “You are SO hot!” laughing he leaves the room with an “Oh baby!”. I sigh and pull covers back on me, tight around my face.

“Will you turn the water on?” I call out. I need tea. I want to go back to bed. Sleep. I love sleeping in. But soon I hear him making breakfast. I sigh realizing I should probably get up now.

Bed warm feet hit the floor. The day begins.

sometimes thinking...

it's quiet this morning. the few gentle sounds outside, sounds of the world waking up mingle with the ticking clock inside, the quiet music and my typing fingers. the only change has been the amount of tea in my now empty cup and the amount of sunlight streaming into our little apartment.

i've been thinking a lot. now and then i do that. think. it's kind of overwhelming sometimes, because my little heart feels so much and my mind tries to process it but sometimes it's too much. i've been thinking a lot about God. about my Jesus. about my relationship with him. i've realized i have been a pretty selfish christian recently. i've been reading the word everyday for a long time, something i use to struggle with a lot, but all summer, until recently, i've felt dry. not far away from God, but just dry, does that make sense? my head knowledge and belief in my God has not wavered but my heart condition has been questionable. i realized i've been acting selfish sometime last week, when i found out i wasn't going to school due to finances. when i found out my plans would have to change i was comforted by the fact that God had a plan and i would be well taken care of, well that is easy to realize but sometimes hard to believe. i began to take pity on myself. i began to bring up old issues i use to struggle with. i brought them out into the light again, petted them and wondered if i should pre sue them again. it wouldn't hurt right? it wasn't like i was sinning against my husband or doing him wrong. this issue was about me. so i thought about it, i obsessed over it. i calmly told my husband what i had been thinking. he asked me why. he asked me why. i told him i wanted to. i got upset and curled up in a little ball on our bed, feeling comforted by my own pity, by my fleshly issues. he asked again what was wrong but i was silent. "be strong" a voice inside said.

"we should pray" my husband said, the voice inside didn't like that. "i don't want to" i mumbled, "i feel too dirty to talk to God".

"your not too dirty, but we should pray." he answered. this dialog went on for sometime, back and forth until finally i gave in. i prayed to my God, grudgingly at first and then with earnest. i told him i was being selfish because i was trying to find my way through my messed up flesh instead of in him. i told him i was sorry for not talking to him first, for not trusting him. then my husband prayed for me. in that moment i felt so loved. loved by my husband, his arms wrapped around me, and by my God. i could almost sense a smile.

so it's been about a week now. my little heart is trying not to be so selfish, not as consumed with myself. my time in God's word has been newer too. not 180 degrees different, but it's slowly been opening up, or rather i have, He's been here all along. like opening up an old favorite book, but being excited to sift through the pages rather than being bored.

-bekah

lessons...

identity: should be found in God first and not in wanting to be a student.

trust: must learn how to do this better, because if i cannot trust my God or my husband with every fiber of my being then i want to control.

control: and just because school fell through this fall and my neat little plan has been ruffled does not give me licensee to try and control, to an unhealthily extent, other parts of life.

these are some of the lessons we shall be learning this fall.

-bekah

fall cravings...

the tea isn't hot anymore. only lukewarm but still it tastes like home. sipping, letting it trickle down your throat and then finishing with smacking lips. hair falls into your face again. fingers rub sleep out of your eyes. a bird sings outside, welcoming the hope of fall to this sunny valley. it is still cool outside, but you are not fooled, just because the calender says september doesn't mean that it won't hit 100 degrees today. you stop to crack all of your fingers and toes because they need to breathe. you need to breathe.

fall has always been my favorite season. i have written about the alluring feeling of fall so many times. i have poems and stories and starry eyed freshman college accounts of this season. a season of change and possibilities, hot tea and movement through the stale dry heat of summer.

this year it's different. i am not gearing up for a hard, cold winter. i am not walking through piles of brightly colored leaves strewn across every street. i will though. the leaves will fall here but not for a month or two. it will get cold enough to wear a sweatshirt past 8am, but i will have to wait. it is still dry here, it is still summer. once the rain comes things will cool down, things will feel more like home. it is different this year.

different and in a way so much better. i have never felt so at home and yet so far away from it. can you understand? my best friend is with me. my love wakes me up with soft words and softer kisses. he goes to work and i go to school. learning. finally learning again. awed by how much french i have forgotten and furious with teachers for slandering my God. oh public education. it has been a while.

it feels so natural to be back in school. so natural to come home from a long day of classes to find my husband smiling, pulling me into a hug, kissing my forehead. so natural. yet i am so homesick. i want to feel cold again. i want crisp natural air not just air-conditioning. homesick for a place that isn't home anymore.

cracks neck.

-bekah

dorm room no more.

dorm room living is exciting, at first. the white walls reflect the endless possibilities that college has to offer you now. after a few weeks you put up pictures and then pages torn from magazines, but they are still white walls and you are too busy doing homework and having the "college" experience to care a lot about what your little dorm room looks like.

but i'm married now. i don't want a dorm room. i want throw pillows and pretty things. when we got married i thought we would slowly get pretty things, making our home one room at a time. but life gets busy. work. work. gym. talk. work. angry discussions ending in "i'm sorry baby. i love you!". life gets busy. i finally snapped a week or so ago and started planning ways to make our little apartment friendlier, cozier more like a home instead of a little apartment.

so we went to thrift stores. we bought ugly, but cushy, throw pillows to recover and curtains, which after being washed and ironed didn't look like they came from "buy rite". i also, after many pouty lips and asking "pu-leez! it matters to me!", got to watch my amazing husband rewire paper lantern lights from our wedding into a little light fixture for our bedroom (our apartment doesn't have ceiling lights in ANY of the rooms).

and so... with a few thrift store stops, a bit of sewing and some electrical work our bedroom looks much cozier, just needed a little tlc.

bekah

like dust motes in the afternoon sun...

time slips. it moves, ebbing and flowing like a wave against the shore. like the fall and rise of the chest, breathing in and out, moving up and down. time seems to moving quickly, too quickly, and the remote is hidden somewhere beneath the couch so i can't even push pause.

deep breathe. in and out.

we've almost been married three months. august is halfway gone. school starts in a few weeks. i need a pause.

luckily it is friday and my dear husband has planned a little get away weekend for us. i am beyond excited! all i know is we are going somewhere by the ocean, somewhere with cool air.

oh marriage. oh life. how difficultly wonderful and sweet you are!

yesterday we were at bible study and someone asked us how married life has been. we both looked at each other and responded at the same time "it's hard".

it is.

when you are engaged everyone tells you their romantic stories, how lovey-dovey everything is in the beginning. then once you are married everyone consoles you, sharing their hard stories from their beginning. marriage is a lot harder than i thought it was going to be... but at the same time it is beyond amazing. i never knew i could love someone so deeply, so fiercely. love the fills you to the brim at the very sight of that person. happiness. contentment.

oh how i love him, my californian husband.

smile.

suspended...

eyes squint open, nearly open, but are soon closed again in the quiet sleep that you left. morning again. another monday. in and out of sleep you travel, unaware of your surroundings. you know blankets and stillness. you know quiet breathing next to you. a creak of the bed as he rolls over, arms around you now as he holds you tight and sighs. neither of you want to move. maybe if you stay very still the moment will continue, the alarm won't go off. maybe if you hold very still you can stay here forever, suspended in time in the still quiet morning with breathing to sooth you and arms to keep you warm.

happy monday.

the pause...

"The pause----- that impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence, which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words, howsoever felicitous, could accomplish it."

-Mark Twain

quiet warmth

silent sunshine is streaming through my open window. streaming quietly, gently onto my sleepy face. eye lids flutter, head nuzzles the pillow. wrapped up in an old quilt i am sitting, welcoming in the morning with a sleepy, happy face. hello sun. hello tea. hello quiet world. the warmth from the sun feels so comforting on my face. a little hug. i close my eyes and stretch my neck up onto the pillow, trying to get as much sun as possible onto my skin. so warm. so quiet.

new day.

mint tea and acoustic music. generally this is how i spend my morning. reading blogs, reading about fashion trends and new collections, reading my bible, trying to listen and be quiet, something that i'm finding requires lots of practice.

marriage is hard. not that i don't like it. not that i don't want this ring on my finger anymore, but it's hard. it takes a lot of work and so much communication. so much communication. i'm realizing more and more how little i thought i knew about marriage. how little i knew how i would react, how i would change. don't worry though, this isn't a blog slamming my husband or going into detail about our relationship in the easy or hard times. i'm simply realizing how much i thought i knew about marriage and how much i've been surprised by it.

another thing is that i am, although i didn't think it was possible, falling more and more in love with my husband. he is truly my other half. he understands me better than i do myself sometimes i feel beyond blessed to spend my life with him. i can't even imagine not being with him. i almost shake my head in wonder at how God has brought us together from two totally different worlds. truly, truly blessed.

and happy. even though it's hard. even though i miss my family(thank you so much for the encouraging words by the way). even though i don't know where we will be living a year from now, i am with my best friend, my lover, my person. as long as we have each other, as long as we look towards God for direction and fulfillment we will be more than just fine.

young married people. oh! how much we have to learn.

bekah

splinters

it's morning, not too early, but early enough that the sun has not yet taken all the cool air that settled during the night. i love mornings here. a cup of steaming tea and a blanket to curl up with, it reminds me of fall at home.

home.

such a strange word. what does it mean? if home is where you grew up then home for me is in hager city, where i lived from ages 11-19, and one summer after that. if home is that place than my home is an old farm house. it is painting for hours on end, re-roofing the house, making sun tea and picking in the garden. spending summers in mostly just bikinis and winters in 1,001 layers and thick wool socks. surrounded by sisters and brother, mom and dad. so many dishes to do and memories to make. if home is that then i am not home...

if home is where the heart is, like that saying, then home is here. home is with my love, my other half. home is jumping into his arms, knowing he would do anything to protect me, support me. it would be in the silent way he looks at me, looks through me. the way i run my hands through his hair and kiss his cheek. home is here then, in our little apartment in this valley. if that is home then i am here...

it's the splice between the two, the chasm that i know is there, though not visible to all, i know it there. splintered little bekah, trying to go on and be brave. at least i have his hand to hold, at least i know that God has a plan. even though i know all of that in my head, splinters still hurt.

relieved, like a drilled oil line...

quick. sit down and write it out. right here. right now. before it slips away, that thought that is the inspiration, the idea in one sentence. don't think, just write and then sitting before you, after a few tense minutes in which you listen to music with all your heart, typing away with unsure fingers, it sits. there before you are your thoughts composed in a few short sentences. most people won't understand. most people won't like it, but you feel better, as if a bubble was popped, as if a blister was stuck, an oil line was drilled allowing the pressure out. letting the pressure of your air conditioned little thoughts out of your head, out of your heart. now you are free. go and do something productive while the pressure is still relieved.

-bekah

"a song outside my window and the traffic wrote the words..."

sweet herbal tea. drifting notes of semi sorrowful music from "the autumn film" blowing over me here on the deck. a light breeze. i am wearing sweats and almost drowning in my husbands sweatshirt. Feet are propped up on a chair, knees bent, hair down, messy from sleep. eyes blink.

good morning modesto. good morning california.

it's funny that i actually live in california. funny that i actually live here. i'm not here for a visit or even here in a dream, hoping and wishing this would be real, because it is. i actually live in this little apartment. apartment that is messy all the time, strewn this mugs, wine glasses, clothes and current projects. apartment where i spend my days trying to create, trying to make something to wear that reflects who i am and how i feel, something that proves difficult when feelings and ideas are bouncing off each other. i spend my days here calming those thoughts, channeling them into something more. i spend my days listening to music. listening to band after band. listening to books on tape. listening to traffic, honks, neighbor's music and sidewalk cleaners. listening to loud children. listening to really loud children. listening to annoyed mothers swearing at said children, forgotten windows left open. but on some quiet mornings, like this morning, i get to listen to the breeze, the streaming sun, quiet air conditioners, our baby plants growing and my heart. thump. thump. thump.

i sew, sketch, write, work out, clean, think and wait. wait for another sound. there it is...

the sound of foot steps on the stairs, coming up two at a time. my eyes smile. the sounds of keys in the door. i put down my work. the handle turns and there he is, eyes searching until he spots me. we smile. my arms are around his neck. "hello love." he whispers, "hey you." i whisper back.

*sounds of kissing*

pieces that reflect who i am...now.

this is me: sitting cross-legged on the floor staring at my computer screen, sipping a cold mike's hard and listening to william fitzsimmons. i don't count mike's hard a real "drink" and can therefore have it at 3pm on a thursday. today i sketched a lot, as you can see in the picture below. i listened to music, *cough and harry potter cough*, skimmed through magazines and tried to be creative. i'm really happy to be sketching again, and sewing. i've missed sewing. i finished a vest this morning that i started yesterday. made of lace and muslin, it's rather boxy shaped and perfect over a little dress. said vest and sketches you can see below are part of my new little etsy store i plan on opening later this summer. i've had www.deuxsoeur.etsy.com for a while now and feel like i've out grown it, so if any of you want super on sale items check out the link! i'm actually really excited about opening a new store. i want the clothing to be more romantic, hence the lace, but also tougher, rougher, military inspired. i want them to reflect where i am at in life. very romantic this place in life is, but it's also forced me to be tough. Not tough like i was in london, trying to be stone and not think about boy, but tough as in 'i am far away from people i love but i love him more and therefore need to trust God and continue on'. more like that kind of tough.

i'll post some pictures when i've made more pieces. right now i'm working on a little embellished t-shirt that is so soft and long! then it's onto a long jersey skirt with deep, deep pockets. mmmm..... jersey....

new dishes...new life.

tuesday morning. it will be hot today, so hot that i will stay inside most of the day with the AC on, but for now a cool morning breeze is keeping this little apartment cool. cool enough that i can still enjoy my morning cup of tea, in our new mugs. green and white. flowers and stripes. new dishes. new pillows. new set of pans. new husband. new life. i now live in california, the sunshine state, where people are, for the most part very chill and the weather is hot. hot. hot.

this week is our second full week here. husband has been going to work. i have been enjoying waking up to him putting on his uniform. soldier husband. i wake up and am kissed. i wake up and make sandwiches and pack them. i wake up and hug him, not wanting to let go, but at least these good-bye hugs only have to sustain me until this evening when he gets home. boots dirty, face smiling, coming home to me, his wife. at least these good-byes don't have to last a month, or two, or three. thank you Jesus that that season of life is over for now! i use to be afraid, well more afraid than i am now about the prospect of saying those good-byes again, when he will have to leave me for a long time. i am still afraid, but not as much. i know

t

hat we are strong, and that Christ is stronger. that is what i cling to. until then...

i have been sketching a lot. it feels good to be creative again, like reading an old favorite or stretching a muscle that has been unused for a while. i am sketching, listening to music, my new obsession is "band of horses", and enjoying life. i am working out a lot, caleb and i are both encouraging each other to stay hot, and i am cooking, homemade pasta last night. which was amazing, chicken cooked in white wine, steamed peppers, thick noodles that are much harder to made than i thought. noodles are hard to make! i kept cutting them too fat, they look like big juicy worms. i'll have to practice and try again. yes, noodles are hard to make and so is the adjustment to living 2,000 miles away from "home", but i am learning. i am loved. no more good-byes for now, so i am happy. oh yes! so very happy, even though it's hot.

-bekah

rings of gold

Drops of warm summer rain bouncing off green open leaves mimicked the smiling guest faces that were covered in drops of rain and the occasional tears. Puddles of watery mud covered the ground, covered the path, and covered the hem of my white silk dress. The path ended as we neared the rows of chairs, my father whispering in my ear, my heart beating and my head swimming with the scene before me. So many people, so many faces, eyes falling on the two of us as we walked out of the rain and into the airy tent. Light from so many paper lanterns cast a warm glow on the guests, who smiled with anticipation. There we were, my father and I standing before the crowd of people. Yet while we walked up the aisle, people rising around us looking at us, I saw only one person. Through the lace veil my mom had made I saw him. My love. My boy. My Caleb. Our eyes met and I couldn’t stop smiling. He was so perfect. Light gray suit, black tie and those piercing pencil colored eyes, looking at me, looking through me as they always had. There he was, the person I had been waiting for, the person I had been saving myself for. Before me, smiling that smile I knew so well stood my best friend, my lover.

Then my veil was being lifted up, a kiss on the cheek from my Dad. I hugged him tight and whispered “I love you Daddy”. I had to tell him to put the lace back over my face, causing the crowd to laugh, before he took Caleb’s hand. With that handshake my Dad gave me away. He gave his little girl to her love, and stepped back. Caleb grasped my hands tight as we stood there before family, friends and our God. My heart was beating so fast, my eyes kept scanning his face, trying to take in the moment. “Hey” he mouthed as we stood there, “Hey” I replied silently as our pastor spoke about love and commitment. I vaguely remember repeating our vows, trying not to cry as Caleb told me he would love me, take care of me, as I vowed to honor him and love him till death parted us. Then I was given the cold ring and looking into his shinning eyes slid the band of gold onto his warm finger. I thought I would break down right then and there as he stood before me, rings gleaming on our fingers. Thoughts ran through my head as I looked at him. How had this day arrived already? Was time moving faster than it normally did? My head was spinning, but it along with my heart stopped as our pastor announced us and told Caleb to kiss me, his bride. Through the lace I saw his shaking hands, saw his fingers grasp the veil and lift it. Then I straightened, Caleb’s hand was on my face as he lifted my chin up. And we kissed. Husband and wife, we kissed. Peace flooded me in that moment. Time stood still. Finally we were together, no more good-byes, we were together. In that moment all was still, all was silent and I was no longer a bride, no longer stressed and full of anxiety. I was simply Bekah, a girl, a woman, kissing Caleb, a boy, my man. We were married. Pulling away from each other we were met with applause from those we loved and hand in hand we walked out, out into the rain, into the rest of our lives.

it started....

before the finish there is a start. before the end there has to be a beginning. there is a beginning. it starts right after you take a step into the beyond that lies before you. remember?

it started when you signed up for college classes your freshmen year. when you went to orientation. it started when you first noticed a guy hitting on you, as you stood twirling your hair, bitting your lip, wondering if all of college would be like this. it started with that tiny bit of confedence you got. started when you stood up straighter. before it ends, and it will end, there was countless walks to class, your hands deep in your pockets, music flowing into your ears as you avoided eye contact with other students. maybe you were an anti-social homeschool child. it started with all of those summer days spent with friends. tubbing down the river, laughing so hard you couldn't breathe. it started with the first time you saw your older sister cry and tried to imagine how love could be anything but detremental to the soul. it started with that fight you had with your parents about politics, the anger you felt at not being understood. maybe you didn't understand after all. it started with fittings, fashion shows and photo shoots. it started with staying up late sewing while your roomate tried not to hear the hum of the sewing machine. you watched late night tv alot. it started with your first bible study. the adult you found yourself becoming as you learned more about your God, your faith. as you learned that it was your own and not your parents faith that dwelled within you. it started when you talked to him for the first time. his voice was higher than you remembered. the first time you saw him walking up the sidewalk, his hands deep in his pockets. he was so hot. you couldn't believe why he was interested in you. it started when you saw him take that deep breath as he came closer. he was so nervous. it started with that first smile. the way you jumped into his arms and the way that he caught you, swinging you around so you felt like kid again. it was the way that his heart beat, so fast, as you laid your head on his chest. finally. finally.
and now it ends. one week until it ends. one week until it begins.
-bekah

such a lazy girl...

oh dear. i am sorry dear blog, i haven't updated you in such a very long time. then again i suppose i'm not really a lazy girl... just a lazy blogger. life has been filled, filled, filled to the brim with packing and sewing, running and planning, crying and fighting, laughing and tanning. i am getting married in two weeks. i have packed 7 boxes of my life and have drunken so many cups of tea on the porch, trying to soak up these last few weeks at home. caleb is leaving tomorrow morning, driving 2,100 miles in his explorer filled with wine to see me. to marry me.

little heart. so filled. so empty. needy and strong. i want to marry him. i want to move away and start our lives together. but i hate leaving people. i hate hurting people by moving to far away land which is also known as california. i know i have to, i just wish it didn't hurt so much.

pictures are of... flowers, because they make me happy.lots of wooden a's i'm going to paint and use in the decor. my wedding shoes. my wedding necklace made by my talented little sisters. and finally flower girl dresses for cat and alya that i recently finished.

i'll try to update more often.
bek

engagement pictures...

oh how i love this boy! pictures by www.sidleystudios.com

one week.

busy week in california. we bought caleb's ring. looked at lots of little apartments while it rained like it only can in the central valley in the spring. we got engagement pictures taken in san francisco. we went to movie. i tanned. i had my first bridal shower and wrote thank you notes. caleb worked. i made playlists for the wedding while listening to harry potter and drinking tea. we went out to eat. we read together. i cried as i realized i'm leaving wisconsin while caleb held me and stroked my hair. we worked out three times and went running twice. i beat him sprinting the last few blocks and the next time he beat me. we kissed and fought. it's been a good week. i am going home on thursday and will not see him until the 25th of may, 10 days before the wedding. breathe.

i feel like i should have more to say because i've had to much to think about, but these keys feel like strangers under my fingers and my head feels blank.

maybe tomorrow.

bekah

the next version...

and then life sweeps you up into its arms and you are so busy you almost forget to drink your tea.
deep breath.
it has been too long since i've taken the time to write. funny to think in busy london i somehow found the time to write either here or in a notebook every few days. entries about love and school, fashion and travel. now i am home in green wisconsin, surrounded by my family and friends and a two page "To Do" list that i will, will, WILL have finished before june 5th! damnit!
june 5th. 7 weeks. 49 days.
and then it all changes. and then i become the next version, move onto the next place and begin my new adventure with my hot best friend at my side. smile. i am getting married.
so surreal.
one day you are playing run away from the orphanage, then you are drooling over your current crush, then you are applying for colleges, finding your own voice and soon you stop. look in the mirror and realize this is it. it has begun. the beginning of the rest of it all.
sometimes i get sad. i get worried that i am somehow killing some part of myself with the words "i do", that she will be dead and gone. sad. i like that bekah. the crazy, traveler bekah who doesn't need anyone's second opinion because she is so sure of her own. but wait. i'm not killing her, she is just growing, and changing and obtaining a new companion. one who happens to know and love all versions of her no matter how feminist that one certain part of her is (oh ani!). this new companain who has chosen to love and care for me, who has been doing so for quite some time now. oh how i love him!
and then....
mrs. adams.
so happy to go forward yet so content and greatful for these few weeks left. i need to smell the cool spring a bit longer, and have random picnics in the barn with my little sisters. i need to run up and down these gravel hills a few more times with my dear friends before i go run the flat sunny pavement with him. happy. anxious. in love.
currently wearing: long sleeve thermal, sweats and thick, thick socks.
-bek

two days ago...

weekend trip to san francisco


finally together.


sunshine state.



i love this boy...

oh life. now i am at home... the farm... parents house... so confusing. england. california. wisconsin. friends. family. caleb. so many places my little heart wants to be. i feel splintered.

time for hot coco.
bek

two weeks ago...

in the countryside in wales...


visiting temby


drinking tea by the thames. something i've wanted to do since i was little.


molly and i in hyde park

on the bench was written "rest with your books and dreams and savor london".

oh england. i miss you.

home

sunshine. tea steaming next to me. bible and notebook. music flowing through speakers. our song. i will walk down the aisle to this song. i will try not to trip. i will stand before God, my family and my dear friends and promise to be his, promise before all that i will love and care for my best friend. my man. my other half.

i am here. in california. it is sunny of course and my skin is already thanking me for all of the vitamin D. it's strange to be back. strange to think that a mere week ago i was waking up in london. my london. oh i miss it. i miss the food and my friends, all of the people and my little tea shop. i miss going anywhere, whenever i want. freedom.

but i am home. i am here. he is here.

smile.

i've bee working on invitations. punching little holes and threading ribbon and thinking. i do miss the freedom. i do miss it. but this... oh this! my future that God has been carefully planning and intertwining with this man for years. he has brought us together and now we are getting married. a new kind of freedom. a new adventure. while modesto may not be as exciting as london i will be with my best friend, my lover, my husband. i am happy. smile. yes.

i am home.

wales and thoughts...

at last the country! at last the cold sea air blowing on my face and through my hair. so clean and cold. splashing around in boots, my little sister trailing behind me, it's hard to imagine that london actually exists out there somewhere. i wore i dress today and it made me feel as if i should live out here forever, wearing dresses and thick wool socks and wellies. it's been an amazing time here. molly and i found wild ponies and fed some not so wild fat ponies in a pen. we are staying with an amazing, older, very british couple. they have been perfect hosts to us. she even offered a hot water bottle for the bed so our feet would be warmer.
maybe i should stay. maybe i should live in a boat house on the coast in wales and write and have babies and drink tea. maybe i should have caleb come here and live. we would be happy in the rual country. just us. together with the wild sea and cold english air.
"oh but california! california coming home. i'm gonna see the folks i dig.... california coming home." oh joni. you have it so right. i am leaving england soon. going back. going home. going at last. going home and then finally to the airport and flying to that sunny state where he is waiting for me.
oh england. i will miss you.
oh caleb. here i come...
bek

[title: blank]

air is trapped in my lungs, suspended in the dark corners within my tight chest. i cannot breathe. i cannot. i cannot cry either, though my heart breaks, though my knees are pulled up to my chest, though my head rests in my hands. weary i rock, back and fourth, trying to find comfort in my own movements. pain shooting through my spine, up into my back, deep into my heart where it stays. my heart. oh my heart! how is it still beating? how have i not exploded into tiny little fragmented pieces, like shards of glass after a window is violently shattered. empty and yet brimming with emotion i am here, simply here, incapable of being or doing anything else. though here i am not really here. though alive, i am not quite solid. i am but a shadow of myself on cold concrete. please. please. i want to breathe again.

gassed.

sunny skies again. i have a cup of hot chocolate next to me and a sweatshirt over my pajamas. i like early mornings. it's only 8:30am but i feel so wide awake. boy and i talked this morning 10:30pm his time, 6:30am london time. we've gotten a pretty good routine down by now, which i guess is pretty depressing when you think about it. no matter. in 20 short days i will be with him again. love is a funny thing sometimes. i am in fast paced, amazing london counting down the days till i go home. i will miss it here though...
yesterday i went to the imperial war museum with my british museums class. i've always been interested in military history, especially WWII. i don't like war, but i know that it is necessary for freedom. since dating caleb, who is in the national guard, my views on war have changed slightly. i think i am more supportive now. i also can't watch war movies anymore. i tired last semester. i got about 5 minutes into the filim saving private ryan(which i've seen) before my shoulders started to shake and tears began flowing. i turned it off. so yesterday i was prepared to feel emotional as we entered the museum. we looked at tanks, planes, v2 rockets and machine guns. we also went into the art gallery and stood in front of the painting below. it was entitled "gassed". the class sat in front of it, their pencils flying while our teacher gave us the history and inspiration behind the painting. i sat in the back of the room, my back against the wall, my knees pulled up to my chest, looking. the teacher soon moved onto what we would be doing next class and had a loud discussion with the my peers about exams and so on. i was upset. everyone was being loud and i was suddenly annoyed. i wanted to stand up and shout "not in here. take your mundane talk out of this room. show some respect!" but instead my eyes welled up with tears and i stopped listening to the chatter around me. i was lost in the painting, in the scene it depicted. i imagined caleb in that painting. i imagined our troops in the middle east fighting and dying so that i could be free. i was very quiet. last to leave the room, i looked at the painting one final time. it seemed so strange to have a painting so huge be so quiet. i don't know how to explain it... but it felt like the giant canvas with hundreds of wounded soldiers on it was so deafeningly silent, a silence that took up the whole empty gallery.
after class was over i went back to that room, stood beneath the giant work of art and cried.
-bekah

a stranger's word...

caleb pointed out a few weeks ago that all of my writing seems to start with a sip of some hot beverage. he is right. next to be right now is a steaming cup of coco, rich and creamy and such a nice way to end a day. not that i don't write without tea or something of that nature, i write in my head all day, coming up with ideas about what to type when i get home as i splash through puddles or grip the handle on the tube. maybe i just need the comfort while i explore these ideas. tea does that.
*sip*
last few days have been a little rough. not that i haven't been having an amazing time over here in london town, but now and then life does seem to take a quick detour down road which has alot of bumps. bumps that sometimes hurt. there have been good things too though. little surprises that make me smile and stand straighter. one such surprise happended yesterday....
i was walking to my internship, hands shoved in pockets, eyes straight ahead. it was very cold and my grey scarf was wound tightly around my face, covering my mouth and nose. i probably looked a bit odd but my trapped breath kept it warm beneath the fabric.
as i walked i thought and pondered, probably a little too much. as i headed down the crowded street wondered how i would react if caleb suddenly appeared and walked right by me. would i even notice him among all of these faces? would i cry or laugh or keep walking? then i wondered, a sense of hopelessness, rising up in my chest what would happened if i simply stopped walking and screamed at the top of my lungs, right there on that busy street. if i simply gave up and screamed caleb's name with all of the emotion and longing that has been welling up inside of me these past two months. but i kept on.
i blinked hard and quick as i demissed the idea and kept walking. be strong. be strong. you are alone and need to be strong. just then i looked up and saw i was about to pass quite a few people. egding over to the side of the pavement i saw a young man talking excitedly on his mobile and closer to me was an older man, hands in pockets like me. as we passed eachother, old and young, male and female, stranger and stranger he said something to me. he didn't look at me or stop he just said very clearly and strongly "Jesus loves you.". i shook my head as i kept walking. what? what did he just say? i turned around to look at him, to wonder if i had just imagined it, but the man was gone, swallowed up in the sea of people crowding the london streets. i turned back around. i smiled. i was loved. i didn't have to be strong. caleb was gone and although he loved me he wasn't there to hold me, or stroke my head and tell me it would be ok. but He was there. He had always been there and continually told me of His perfect love for me, through a message at church, or a bright sunny day or through a stranger. I smiled. "Jesus loves me", i thought and kept walking, down the cold brick streets.
*sip*
-bekah

outside the louve at night...

first impression of the city of lights...

the following i wrote on a postcard i bought at the eiffel tower...

today i met paris. at first i wasn't very impressed with this city. grey and big, filled with city noises and city smells, i thought it was just like any other place. but the day went on. a little cafe for lunch. walking around beaucoup de jardins. ordering une tasse de the avec lait at a cafe. seeing the tour eiffel lit up. going up to the very top, paris laid out in front of me like a sea of jewels. i was wrong. paris is more than just another place... it is paris.

also... throughout my week there i was trying to put my finger on how the city of lights was different from my own london. so this is what i've decided. london is your chum. london is a mate who you can go out and laugh and have a drink with at a pub. now this drink can be good or bad, and your experience can be one that leads to a life long friendship or a rude gesture and the slamming of a door. and paris... paris is like a lover. it romances you as soon as you step out the door and into the city air. with it's beautiful language being spoken, the many bakery shops in which you can order your pain du chocolat and an espresso, paris woos you right down to the way they say bonjour madame when you enter a shop. however, this city, like a lover also has it's downsides. such as rude people looking down upon you for not knowing how to ask perfect directions in french, to the acrid smell of body order, or the many piles of dog crap that litters quite a few streets. it is very, very beautiful but also a bit dirty and smelly.
what do you think? those of you reading that have been to both cities, am i right?

what we actually did there...

i recently went to paris, from the 8th-12th, with a school trip. on said trip we were given a tour of the fashion in paris, how the two are connected and more importantly how this city is both known for art and fashion. two great things for a city to be known for in my opinion.over our week in paris we saw many things. each day was different from the next, full of new places, new cafes to explore and shops to drool in. throughout the week we did the following...
-went for walking tours on which our guide, two teachers from school, talked about the history of paris and it's relationship with fashion and art. we saw old squares, huge buildings, historic shops, and the "tour eiffel"!
-went shopping! we stumbled into every store from dior, prada and other places i was afraid of touching ANYTHING in, to little out of the way boutiques in which i would never buy anything from, to fabric markets and middle of the road places where i did buy things. these things included... leather lace up combat looking boots, a black felt hat compete with brim and bow to hide under, lace for my veil(smiles), fabric to make a swimsuit cover up for my honey moon (smirk) and a few random postcards.
-went out to eat. if i noticed anything in paris it was how expensive it is to eat there! 2.60 euros pour une tasse du the! and seeing how i need tea i shook my head, smiled and put down the 2.60 and drank in the sweet taste.
-visited museums. we went to the louve, and the museum d'orssay. i can't tell you how much i love art. it is so beautiful. far be it from me to know how someone can use simple paint and canvas or a block of stone and a set of tools to create something so amazingly inspiring. needless to say i was all but drooling when i saw paintings by degas and the amazing sculptures such as the goddess of victory nike. she was incredible!
on our last night in paris we got all dressed up and went to a jazz club which was in the basement of a stone pub. it was great. so many couples in love and dancing, old and young, talented and not, and one older, somewhat creepy frenchmen who upon asking me to dance was given the sweet reply of "non merci". we also went out to a few other places and i have decided that 1. french pubs all seem to play music from 10 years ago. 2. it is super funny to hear justin timberlake's music sung with a french accent. and 2. that i was ridiculously awear of by surroundings, including frenchmen, the whole time and wanted nothing more than to get out of those packed places and sit and have a quiet cup of tea with my californian.
on our last day in paris, and the main reason why we went there, we attended "Premiere Vision" which is a giant trade show of fabrics, colors, techniques and trend forecasting for next season. there were over 100,000 people there all researching color combinations and new fabrics. the security was very, very tight and there were no pictures or sketches allowed so everywhere you looked professionals and students alike were writing like mad in little notebooks.
it was an amazing opportunity and i felt very happy and content to be involved in such a creative industry.
so that in a long winded post was my trip to paris.

a bit of paris....

my window is partly open. the sun is streaming in through the many clouds that cover the cold english sky. so much grey. so many clouds. but the sun still shines it's rays hitting me with warm that reminds me fiercely of summer and california and that boy who waits for me there.
sorry that i haven't updated in so long and that i haven't written much about paris. i guess i've just been busy. i did write alot while in paris though, on paper not electronically, so i will share some of that this morning.

we were climbing out of the metro, people all around. bodies pressed together as the masses crowded to the stairs toward the cold french air. you can't help but look down as you walk, as you push and shove through the people, up the narrow steps. a couple in front of me talking quietly in french as we approached the stairs. their voices mingling with other voices echoing off the concrete walls as we climbed up. then the cold air, mingled with bits of snow, blew in as we neared the top, neared the outside world. there was the sky, the cold dark sky. about to reach the street with only a few steps left i listened as the lovers conversation ended and then as if they were a single mind, a single heart beat they joined hands. it was so beautifully mutual i smiled. for an instant the world stood still on that metro step, between the tunnels below and paris above. all was quiet in that moment and i felt as if i was witnessing a secret, a beautiful secret. it was such an ordinary action and yet still it make me happy and sad all at once. yes, the city was dark, yes it was huge but love was abundant you only need look for it. then the moment was over. the noisy world came back into focus. we reached the street, the couple was gone, and i walked on emptied handed, into the city of lights.

empty shop...

i'm sitting in an empty shop where i intern, holding the fort down while my designer is out for the day. i am here, quietly sipping tea, helping the occasional customer and designing beachy clothing to make for my honeymoon. smile. viva mexico!
i haven't blogged in a while as life has been getting busier. school is starting to get a little hectic with midterm papers looming in a week and the fashion show just four weeks away. i'm also going to paris monday-friday so that cuts out on homework time... but i'm going to paris! i'm so excited to finally go to the city i've been dreaming about since i was in middle school trying to memorize "je suis. tu es. il es...." and so on. oh life. how it moves and changes right before your eyes. sometimes i feel like shouting "wait slow down!". i'll walk down the street and feel like i'm in fast forward mode, people rushing past me, my hair flying back. then again... sometimes i wish i could go forward, onward to the next step but my feet are stuck in glue and i can't move. all in all i am content, or trying to be at least. God has really been teaching me to be content and not so dependant on caleb. i mean, yes of course i am dependant on him, as i think it should be, but i need to be more dependant on God. i need to crave quiet time with my Father more than with my fiance. anyway... that's what i've been learning this past week...
well... i think that's all i got for now.
take care.