Monday, October 11, 2010

on love.

i've been listening to this song called "skinny love", amazing acoustic by bon iver, at lease 5 times a day for the past week. it's amazing. i love acoustic music like this, so powerful and emotional without being too loud or sad.
we've had a lot of ups and downs this week. it's fall and i miss my leaf covered bluffs of wisconsin, the crisp air in the morning and my mom's chex mix. my friend called me this morning and crunched through leaves for me so i could hear the sound, i felt so loved. i am loved, it's just from far away. yet, this love from my husband is the most complete i've ever felt from a human. sometimes i can't believe that he really loves me. even when i slam things around? even when i cry and cry for no apparent reason? even when i'm so, so whiney?
yes, he loves me.
it's a crazy feeling, crazy to try and understand that love. when we were dating i always questioned my love for this california boy, but never questioned his. now it's the other way around. sometimes i get so worried about him driving to work, going for long runs, or the idea of him going to that desert to fight. sometimes i get so worried because i love him, more than i ever thought i could love someone. i literally cannot imagine not loving him. i can't even imagine what it must be like to have kids, experiencing that fierce love of a parent.
no babies for us yet...
in any case, it has been a hard week, not really for us but for me, which i guess in turn means for us. we haven't been fighting or angry or anything, i've just been away from my family for over four months now and sometimes i really miss them. sometimes it physically hurts, which i haven't felt since caleb and i had to say good-bye every month. i hurt for him then, i hurt for them now. sometimes i cry and my love pulls me into his arms and strokes my hair and kissing my forehead and tries to calm me down.
i've been feeling a lot this week, which is, as i'm finding out, so much harder than not feeling.
i think it's healthier though, even though it may not feel like it at times.

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