Thursday, April 28, 2011

the seesaw...

My life has been a seesaw. I feel like a kid again sitting patiently on the wood, hands gripped tightly to the handle. I don't want to fall off. I wait and wait and try to imagine what it will be like to move up and down, hair flying around my shoulders, knuckles white from hanging on. I wait and wait. Hoping to speed up time I close my eyes, focusing on the feeling of the wood, the handle, the grass between my toes. When will we start? When do I get to move? Tired of waiting one squinty eye opens, slowly, carefully. I see blurry images, nothing is clear. I decide to get off, but just as my weight begins to shift, someone sits on the other end and I'm off! Feet in the air, lungs opened in a scream of surprise, excitement, anticipation. I am flying.
Life is a sometimes like this. We wait for the ride to start, give up because it doesn't start on our time and then are surprised when we start to fly.
Can't wait to see where I land.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

and we will...

My skin is still hot, radiating heat from the afternoon sun, the ever present sun in this little valley of ours. A cup of hot tea is beside me, even though it's sunny and warm outside, I need this honey colored liquid.
Last weekend we spent time with friends on the coast and then some time in San Francisco strolling through thrift stores and eating lunch at our favorite outside cafe. Even though we haven't lived in that bright city, I still feel a connection, a sense of ownership. Maybe it's because I associate that city with Caleb, with us. After all we have a lot of memories in that city, everything from getting engaged, to fighting to kissing on every other street corner. It was nice to get away with my husband and walk through the vibrant city, our hands entwined. We talked about this next year. About how we probably aren't going in the direction we thought and therefore will be staying here. How he will leave in November for training, how we will move to Sac or SF in December, depending on where I get into school and how... how he will leave in January.
I felt a quiet, somber peace as I realized he will be gone sooner than I thought. I sipped lemon water and studied his face as we sat, soaking up the Spring sun. I love this man and he loves me. Right now we are together, but soon we won't and then we will have to be strong.
And we will be ok. We will.