we got our weddings pictures a few days ago. it's so crazy to think that we've been married less than five months. that day seems so very long ago. wow. i have been living with my best friend and lover for almost five months! i am so blessed, to wake up everyday with him, spend time with him. cry, laugh, fight and love with him is more than i ever thought it would be. more work. more happiness. more tears and more smiles.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i am happy. it's sometimes hard to see that in this little blog(if people even read it...mmm.... feeling like meg ryan in "you've got mail" sending things out into the void.). i tend to write when i am feeling a lot because it helps me process things. but this dear friends is a happy feeling, one of contentment and love. this is a blog saying that yes, sometimes it is hard, and yes, i tend to complain, but(and this is crucial) i wouldn't trade it for the world. i am here, living, breathing, loving and learning more about myself, my husband and my God than i ever thought i could.
i've been listening to this song called "skinny love", amazing acoustic by bon iver, at lease 5 times a day for the past week. it's amazing. i love acoustic music like this, so powerful and emotional without being too loud or sad.
we've had a lot of ups and downs this week. it's fall and i miss my leaf covered bluffs of wisconsin, the crisp air in the morning and my mom's chex mix. my friend called me this morning and crunched through leaves for me so i could hear the sound, i felt so loved. i am loved, it's just from far away. yet, this love from my husband is the most complete i've ever felt from a human. sometimes i can't believe that he really loves me. even when i slam things around? even when i cry and cry for no apparent reason? even when i'm so, so whiney?
yes, he loves me.
it's a crazy feeling, crazy to try and understand that love. when we were dating i always questioned my love for this california boy, but never questioned his. now it's the other way around. sometimes i get so worried about him driving to work, going for long runs, or the idea of him going to that desert to fight. sometimes i get so worried because i love him, more than i ever thought i could love someone. i literally cannot imagine not loving him. i can't even imagine what it must be like to have kids, experiencing that fierce love of a parent.
no babies for us yet...
in any case, it has been a hard week, not really for us but for me, which i guess in turn means for us. we haven't been fighting or angry or anything, i've just been away from my family for over four months now and sometimes i really miss them. sometimes it physically hurts, which i haven't felt since caleb and i had to say good-bye every month. i hurt for him then, i hurt for them now. sometimes i cry and my love pulls me into his arms and strokes my hair and kissing my forehead and tries to calm me down.
i've been feeling a lot this week, which is, as i'm finding out, so much harder than not feeling.
i think it's healthier though, even though it may not feel like it at times.
i think that i am obsessive person. i find something i like. i get an idea and then BAM i obsess over it until it is done. until it is over. then, after i'm done, i am a little blank. i am a little washed out like a chalk drawing on sidewalk after it's rained.
my poor husband. he is beyond amazing and takes care of me when i'm high on my ideas or totally blank and out of inspiration. like an empty, dry mug of tea, which is a very sad thing in itself.
this is what i think... my husband is very perceptive.
a few days ago i was working on a gift for someone. a cute little piece for their little baby. in any case things weren't going so well with this little gift. i kept sewing it wrong or messing up the patterning. i threw it across the room a few times and probably swore a lot, all while my husband calmly made dinner in the kitchen. a while later, when we were sitting at the table finishing up our little concoction of food and sipping our preferred drinks(wine cooler for me, amber ale for him), husband turns to me.
"you know" he says, slowly putting down his fork, "you really are an artist."
"what do you mean?" i ask laughing.
"you know... you get really upset sometimes and throw your stuff on the ground. And you hate it sometimes and you are such a perfectionist. "
"yep." i say sipping my fuzzy navel
"but you love it, you think about it all the time. you HAVE to do it, your that involved. it's just crazy."
it's funny to live with someone and then have them tell things about yourself. i guess he is right though. little emo artist that i am. sometimes i wish i wasn't. sometimes i wish i just liked doing this instead of needing to in order to feel like my universe is in place.