dorm room no more.

dorm room living is exciting, at first. the white walls reflect the endless possibilities that college has to offer you now. after a few weeks you put up pictures and then pages torn from magazines, but they are still white walls and you are too busy doing homework and having the "college" experience to care a lot about what your little dorm room looks like.

but i'm married now. i don't want a dorm room. i want throw pillows and pretty things. when we got married i thought we would slowly get pretty things, making our home one room at a time. but life gets busy. work. work. gym. talk. work. angry discussions ending in "i'm sorry baby. i love you!". life gets busy. i finally snapped a week or so ago and started planning ways to make our little apartment friendlier, cozier more like a home instead of a little apartment.

so we went to thrift stores. we bought ugly, but cushy, throw pillows to recover and curtains, which after being washed and ironed didn't look like they came from "buy rite". i also, after many pouty lips and asking "pu-leez! it matters to me!", got to watch my amazing husband rewire paper lantern lights from our wedding into a little light fixture for our bedroom (our apartment doesn't have ceiling lights in ANY of the rooms).

and so... with a few thrift store stops, a bit of sewing and some electrical work our bedroom looks much cozier, just needed a little tlc.

bekah

like dust motes in the afternoon sun...

time slips. it moves, ebbing and flowing like a wave against the shore. like the fall and rise of the chest, breathing in and out, moving up and down. time seems to moving quickly, too quickly, and the remote is hidden somewhere beneath the couch so i can't even push pause.

deep breathe. in and out.

we've almost been married three months. august is halfway gone. school starts in a few weeks. i need a pause.

luckily it is friday and my dear husband has planned a little get away weekend for us. i am beyond excited! all i know is we are going somewhere by the ocean, somewhere with cool air.

oh marriage. oh life. how difficultly wonderful and sweet you are!

yesterday we were at bible study and someone asked us how married life has been. we both looked at each other and responded at the same time "it's hard".

it is.

when you are engaged everyone tells you their romantic stories, how lovey-dovey everything is in the beginning. then once you are married everyone consoles you, sharing their hard stories from their beginning. marriage is a lot harder than i thought it was going to be... but at the same time it is beyond amazing. i never knew i could love someone so deeply, so fiercely. love the fills you to the brim at the very sight of that person. happiness. contentment.

oh how i love him, my californian husband.

smile.

suspended...

eyes squint open, nearly open, but are soon closed again in the quiet sleep that you left. morning again. another monday. in and out of sleep you travel, unaware of your surroundings. you know blankets and stillness. you know quiet breathing next to you. a creak of the bed as he rolls over, arms around you now as he holds you tight and sighs. neither of you want to move. maybe if you stay very still the moment will continue, the alarm won't go off. maybe if you hold very still you can stay here forever, suspended in time in the still quiet morning with breathing to sooth you and arms to keep you warm.

happy monday.

the pause...

"The pause----- that impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence, which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words, howsoever felicitous, could accomplish it."

-Mark Twain

quiet warmth

silent sunshine is streaming through my open window. streaming quietly, gently onto my sleepy face. eye lids flutter, head nuzzles the pillow. wrapped up in an old quilt i am sitting, welcoming in the morning with a sleepy, happy face. hello sun. hello tea. hello quiet world. the warmth from the sun feels so comforting on my face. a little hug. i close my eyes and stretch my neck up onto the pillow, trying to get as much sun as possible onto my skin. so warm. so quiet.

new day.

mint tea and acoustic music. generally this is how i spend my morning. reading blogs, reading about fashion trends and new collections, reading my bible, trying to listen and be quiet, something that i'm finding requires lots of practice.

marriage is hard. not that i don't like it. not that i don't want this ring on my finger anymore, but it's hard. it takes a lot of work and so much communication. so much communication. i'm realizing more and more how little i thought i knew about marriage. how little i knew how i would react, how i would change. don't worry though, this isn't a blog slamming my husband or going into detail about our relationship in the easy or hard times. i'm simply realizing how much i thought i knew about marriage and how much i've been surprised by it.

another thing is that i am, although i didn't think it was possible, falling more and more in love with my husband. he is truly my other half. he understands me better than i do myself sometimes i feel beyond blessed to spend my life with him. i can't even imagine not being with him. i almost shake my head in wonder at how God has brought us together from two totally different worlds. truly, truly blessed.

and happy. even though it's hard. even though i miss my family(thank you so much for the encouraging words by the way). even though i don't know where we will be living a year from now, i am with my best friend, my lover, my person. as long as we have each other, as long as we look towards God for direction and fulfillment we will be more than just fine.

young married people. oh! how much we have to learn.

bekah

splinters

it's morning, not too early, but early enough that the sun has not yet taken all the cool air that settled during the night. i love mornings here. a cup of steaming tea and a blanket to curl up with, it reminds me of fall at home.

home.

such a strange word. what does it mean? if home is where you grew up then home for me is in hager city, where i lived from ages 11-19, and one summer after that. if home is that place than my home is an old farm house. it is painting for hours on end, re-roofing the house, making sun tea and picking in the garden. spending summers in mostly just bikinis and winters in 1,001 layers and thick wool socks. surrounded by sisters and brother, mom and dad. so many dishes to do and memories to make. if home is that then i am not home...

if home is where the heart is, like that saying, then home is here. home is with my love, my other half. home is jumping into his arms, knowing he would do anything to protect me, support me. it would be in the silent way he looks at me, looks through me. the way i run my hands through his hair and kiss his cheek. home is here then, in our little apartment in this valley. if that is home then i am here...

it's the splice between the two, the chasm that i know is there, though not visible to all, i know it there. splintered little bekah, trying to go on and be brave. at least i have his hand to hold, at least i know that God has a plan. even though i know all of that in my head, splinters still hurt.