lips are chapped, you bite them absentmindedly as you think. you scrape your nails against them, feeling the skin, feeling the touch. you crack your neck and sip your tea and begin...
i love having a plan. i love maps, directions and lists. i love them. i also love feeling free, having the day to do whatever, deciding at the last minute to go somewhere, visit someone. I can be reckless but i like knowing what i will be reacklessly doing.
maybe that doesn't make sense.
in any case. we are now formulating new plans here at the adam's house. previous plan didn't pan out the way we thought. back to square one. my poor little body apparently doesn't like new plans or stress. tjm which continued into possible ear infection, muscle cramping in hips and shoulders, my body likes plans too i guess. my husband is amazing, so very amazing. rubbing lotion into my freaking out planless muscles as he calmly talked to me about our options and future.
"it scares me" i whisper.
"it doesn't have to baby. it will be ok. it IS ok. we are together and that what matters."
i sigh and snuggle in closer to his warmth.
"we are together." i sigh into his chest, "you, me and jesus."
"yes" he says, and i can hear the smile in his voice.
snuggle. snuggle. we are still, we are quiet
"but can we get a fish?" i ask all at once, "i think i want a fish".
"as long as we can call him francis."
we fall asleep.
there is a plan. there is. God has one that is bigger than we can possibly know. also we might get a fish... at least that's the plan.
Caleb is at drill. He left yesterday at 3pm and wasn't home until 12am. I was happy though because we weren't sure if he'd even get to come home for the night. Bright and early, 6am this morning, we drove to the armory and I dropped him off for the rest of the weekend.
Now here I am, sitting outside, drinking tea and wishing it was Sunday now.
This is where I laugh at myself, because I almost don't know how to function without him here, without hearing from him. I laugh because for almost the entire 18 months that he and I dated we were long distance, ranging from 2,000 to 5,000 miles apart. Now you would think that I would be good at this by now, at separating myself and being strong, but I'm not. I've lost the skill of letting go and still being ok because I wanted to lose it, I was done with it.
However, I married an army guy and therefore need to regain that skill again. Not that only army spouses deal with separation, thousands of couples do it all the time because they have to and they are freaking amazing.
In any case one weekend a month hasn't been so bad but for the past few months my husband and I have been researching and praying about delving deeper into the craziness of the army life. In short we are in the process of making some big changes and trying out for some really amazing opportunities. Which at the end of the day means that if things go as we hope they will Caleb and I will be spending the better part of the new year apart. Again. Will we ever spend a Valentines day together?
So this is what I need learn, this is what I need to do... Learn how to be ok again without him. I am going to stop being so ADHD and focus when he is gone. Not that I don't do anything while he isn't here (sales on Etsy, including custom orders, have never been higher), but I need to do something for myself every now and then. Slow down and read a book. Learn French. Make a really fabulous party dress. I guess what I'm saying is that I need to find some sort of balance because the future of being separated scares me more than I can say. Balance and love and faith.