sometimes thinking...

it's quiet this morning. the few gentle sounds outside, sounds of the world waking up mingle with the ticking clock inside, the quiet music and my typing fingers. the only change has been the amount of tea in my now empty cup and the amount of sunlight streaming into our little apartment.

i've been thinking a lot. now and then i do that. think. it's kind of overwhelming sometimes, because my little heart feels so much and my mind tries to process it but sometimes it's too much. i've been thinking a lot about God. about my Jesus. about my relationship with him. i've realized i have been a pretty selfish christian recently. i've been reading the word everyday for a long time, something i use to struggle with a lot, but all summer, until recently, i've felt dry. not far away from God, but just dry, does that make sense? my head knowledge and belief in my God has not wavered but my heart condition has been questionable. i realized i've been acting selfish sometime last week, when i found out i wasn't going to school due to finances. when i found out my plans would have to change i was comforted by the fact that God had a plan and i would be well taken care of, well that is easy to realize but sometimes hard to believe. i began to take pity on myself. i began to bring up old issues i use to struggle with. i brought them out into the light again, petted them and wondered if i should pre sue them again. it wouldn't hurt right? it wasn't like i was sinning against my husband or doing him wrong. this issue was about me. so i thought about it, i obsessed over it. i calmly told my husband what i had been thinking. he asked me why. he asked me why. i told him i wanted to. i got upset and curled up in a little ball on our bed, feeling comforted by my own pity, by my fleshly issues. he asked again what was wrong but i was silent. "be strong" a voice inside said.

"we should pray" my husband said, the voice inside didn't like that. "i don't want to" i mumbled, "i feel too dirty to talk to God".

"your not too dirty, but we should pray." he answered. this dialog went on for sometime, back and forth until finally i gave in. i prayed to my God, grudgingly at first and then with earnest. i told him i was being selfish because i was trying to find my way through my messed up flesh instead of in him. i told him i was sorry for not talking to him first, for not trusting him. then my husband prayed for me. in that moment i felt so loved. loved by my husband, his arms wrapped around me, and by my God. i could almost sense a smile.

so it's been about a week now. my little heart is trying not to be so selfish, not as consumed with myself. my time in God's word has been newer too. not 180 degrees different, but it's slowly been opening up, or rather i have, He's been here all along. like opening up an old favorite book, but being excited to sift through the pages rather than being bored.

-bekah