salt lake city international airport.

hello.
hello. world. here i am.
sitting an an airport. listening to the people around me.
trying to keep my heart from beating so fast.
trying not to think too much about him.
very soon.
this wait will be over.
i will be with my person again.

(oui, ma personne que j'aime de tout mon coeur.)

and we will kiss.
and we will laugh.
and for a brief week i will be able to breathe again.

(parce que quand je suis avec lui mon monde est facile. mon vie est simple.)

onward. upward.
leaving on a jet plane...

-bekah

Logic... H>C

The café is busy. The clatter of plates and mugs mingle with the noise of small town gossip that floats in the air…
Oh dear. Classic. Here I am a young college student sitting at my little coffee shop writing sentences like that. Dear little Bekah, so cute. I’m sure that in a few years I will look back and remember feeling so nostalgic about this place, this town, this time in my life.
Currently wearing…
Light wash skinny jeans. Grey t-shirt with a graphic of a tree. Long burgundy cardigan with pockets and buttons and leather detailing. Black leather ankle boots. Two gold necklaces, one long, one short. My hair is pulled up into a bun and I’m wearing mascara.
I actually feel pretty cute today although my mood is somewhat dampened by the fact that I probably just failed my logic exam. And I CAN’T fail this class or I am ruined and can’t go to SF. Oh sear… Haha. Listen to this and appreciate the irony please…
If I fail my logic test then I will not pass the class. If I do not pass the class then I will not meet the requirements of SFSU. If I do not meet the requirements of SFSU then I will not be able to transfer. If I am not able to transfer then my plan will be ruined. Therefore if I didn’t pass this test then my plan is ruined.
1. F> ~P
2. ~P>~R
3. ~R>~T
4. ~T >P
Conclusion: F>P
Yep. That’s right. That right there is a proof of my current situation (And if I didn’t do that right I will be so sad… and will have proved my point all together). Thank God for pita wraps and iced tea at the Acoustic Cafe in Menomonie which after consuming I feel a little bit better, or maybe I’m just full. In any case I just have to get through the next few hours (studying for a French exam at 3.30) and then I get to go home! Tonight I’m going out with some friends, Friday I’m chillin, doing homework and errands. Then on Saturday I’m getting my hair cut and highlighted (blonde) and going to work at 4. And then… and then… on Sunday I’m going to church, chipotle with my little brother and then driving to the airport! Hells yes! Three days from now I will be with my fiancé whom I haven’t seen in over a month.
I just have to get through this last exam then I’m home free!
Time to study….
bekah

in my arms...

"here my dear, this is where we'll shake the nightmare free. i dream to hold you in my arms. i dream to hold you in arms, to hold you in my arms. wide awake in my arms."

that song has been stuck in my head all day. whether it's the rain that's been pouring all day, homework, stress or head ache due to lack of caffeine or something i miss caleb a lot todeay. yes. i do. i like this song because it makes me think of him. i just want to be there and have him hold me. 33 days.
i'm quite tired. my desk, where my lap top is sitting, is covered with an array of items including...
-thread.
-buttons.
-steaming cup of mint tea.
-half eaten apple.
-keys.
-phone.
water bottle.
-transcripts to send to SFSU this week.
-and lots of pins.
i'm in the middle of a big project for school. our assignment was to buy $20 or less of clothing at good will and remake them into something sweet. i like my progress so far... turquoise wool, black and grey suiting which i have pleated and inserted sweet shoulder pads and some cut outs. pretty amazing... i just hope i can finish it and better yet i hope my teacher thinks it's just as amazing. in my other apparel class today we got scolded(don't you love that word?) by our teacher for not pushing ourselves enough. i got a 83% on our first project and i guess it's one of the higher grades. oh life. oh school. oh God please help me finish well...
time to sew and drink tea and call my boy whom i love.
-bekah

vegetables and mr. whitman

I've just finished a bowl of steaming vegetables and a fuzzy navel wine cooler. oh monday. i am tired. my fiance came out this weekend to visit. it was amazing to see him again after 17 days. in reality we didn't spend that much time apart compared to what we have done... compared to what we will have to do. that's right. i won't be seeing him until thanksgiving. 36 days. oh dear. oh God. the only way i can do this is by clinging to the fact that God has a plan...that we are not forgotten and that for whatever reason caleb and i are separated right now that reason is not foreign to God. He knows all including what is best for both me and the man i love. so dear friends i am going to throw some laundry in, get ready for bed, enjoy a conversation via skype with my boy and continue onward. i leave you with this poem which i think is amazing...
bek

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?


Answer.
That you are here—that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.
by: Mr. Whitman

rain. tea. ring. happiness.

tea always goes well with rain. i love curling up in a blanket with a steaming mug of fresh tea and a good book. i have just finished doing just that. now i'm trying to work up enough energy to pull out my pattern homework and put together a dress that is due tomorrow. oh life. rain also tends to bring out the creative side of me...either that or it brings out the sleepy side. haha. i guess we shall see how the day goes.
i am engaged. i'm not even sure if anyone reads this blog but i guess i thought i would let someone out there know. he asked me on the 26th when i went to visit him in san francisco. it was night and very cold. we drove to the palace of fine arts to have tea and talk after he picked me up from the airport. little did i know he had a whole evening planned. we did have tea and as i sat there, curled up in a blanket taking in the steaming aroma, the palace before me and my boyfriend looking up at me from where he sat, i felt very content. he reached up and kissed me, both of his hands on my face. as we kissed i felt one of his knees go up so that he was on just one, my heart jumped a little. then one of his hands left my face and reached into his jacket pocket. as he pulled away from the kiss his hand was outstretched with a red box sitting in it. he simply asked... "bekah. will you marry me?". i was speechless. i told him to take it out of the box. i started crying. i told him to put it on my finger. he took off my promise ring and slipped his ring on. white gold with a single diamond in the center. i started laughing and looking around, taking in the moment, ever once in a while saying "baby. really?". then i realized i hadn't answered his question yet. the poor boy! so i took a deep breath, put my hands on either side of his face, looked him in the eye and said "yes". then we kissed. he hugged me, swung me around. i kept crying and laughing and looking from him to the ring. bliss. i will be with him forever. then we drank champange that he brought and talked about the future until we were too tired and the park sprinklers began to go off.
and that is the story. now i am happy. now i am claimed. now i am here in this little wisconsin town, a ring on my finger while he is in california. 2,000 miles apart. but i love him still. i know that we are in this situation for a reason. we both need to grow more on our own before we come together. God has a plan and i trust him with it.
so now on to pattern homework and listening to the rain hit my bedroom window.
-bekah

September 16th

(night)
i am sitting cross legged against my bedroom wall. i am drinking tea, my logic books sitting in front of me waiting to be opened, waiting to impart knowledge. i rub my eyes. i am so very tired. my eyes blink often and my hair is falling out of the sloppy bun i had it in, falling into my red eyes. i am wearing sweatpants rolled to the knee, a tank top and my nor cal hoodie zipped to the top. i am sleepy. i want my bed, less homework and my man who is currently 1,500 miles away from me. i am happy though as i am going to see him for a long weekend in just 8 days. until then i am sleeping less than desired and trying to get enough homework done. i am running alot and trying to rememeber to eat. i am sitting cross legged against my bedroom wall.
-bekah

July 21st

In spite of it all we continue. Not only because we have to, full mug of tea in hand, but because we cannot do anything else. We have not other options. While I suppose one could give up. One could simply sit down on the ground, produce the white flag and surrender to it all. I suppose one could. But I have only one question. My question is why? Why in the midst of all of it would you stop? Why would you quit? Yes. I can see why sometimes you may feel like quiting just when everything is about to start, that calm before the storm. Right before the light it turned on, while you are in the midst of the darkness you could very well simply up and quit. You could turn in your badge and decide that the know is better, safer and closer to home than all that lay before you. The known is safer than what you could have done, what many of us should have done. But you see while the known may be safer it isn't any more than the old. It isn't any more than you continuing on because you lack the faith in yourself that you could actually survive. What if you took that leap, waited out the dark and found that the light was so much better. What if you found your path right after the storm cleared? It's an awful big risk to take, staying in one safe place. A risk that could cost you. So drink your tea dear one, and set out. Conquer. Conquer. Conquer. You know not what you are capable of.

June 30th

currently inhaling...

1. tea

2. sufjan stevens3. balenciaga ready to wear fall 2009

4. san francisco
-bekah

June 18th

Pictures taken by our friend Emma in Monterey Bay a few weeks ago. We watched the sunset on a private beach...opps. It was so beautiful. I felt very content sitting there with Caleb enjoying God's creation. I felt very loved. I think I like this state... yes, I believe I do.

-bekah

June 17th

"And I know cause there she goes walking on my skin again and again". I love the band Counting Crows. Everything from their hit 90's hit Sulivan Street and this new song called When I dreamed of Michealagelo. So good. I don't know why but this song strikes a cord with me. This past weekend I drove down to Pismo Beach to visit some friends. We stayed at this amazing resort and walked down to the beach everyday. One afternoon I was standing in the lobby waiting for some beach towels when this song came on. I wanted to cry. It's so beautiful and sad and right away I missed Caleb so much. I don't know why music has such an impact on me but it does. It is a beautiful thing how we humans can communicate with one another through music, without words, simply sounds that may or may not strike a cord in someones soul. That sunny afternoon standing in that lobby this song spoke to me. athough the world is so messed up and I continually wonder how we can do such horrible things to eachother every once and a while we touch eachother. Whether it be through a song, the written word, a glance, a smile or a simple gesture such as opening a door for someone to walk through, we touch eachother. God how I hope that I've touched people for the better. That maybe through something I write or create with clothing, hopefully with the way I live this life I will be able to touch people for the better.
I hope so.
-bekah

June 11th

I decorated my room today. After making myself a cup of tea and putting on Pandora I sat cross legged on the floor and ripped out pages from vogue to tape on the wall. After finding ones that I liked I did just that. Scotch tape and everything. I also took one of the many scarves that I brought along and pinned it to the wall above my bed so that I could pin pictures, sketches and other things on it. I reminded me of a picture I saw when I was little of my older sister when she was at Oxford. In the picture she was wearing a grey turtleneck sweater and jeans, sitting cross legged on her bed with books and notes scattered around her on the wall behind here was a huge piece of fabric pinned with pictures, notes and brochures from who knows where. Maybe that’s why I have always associated turtlenecks with college, writing and success.

Sometimes I feel like I am hiding the real me from them, from the world. If only they knew that the real me is scared to leave the house because I don’t have someone to go out with, or a map to tell me what to do first and what not to do. I surprise myself sometimes, surprised myself with how dependant I am. But then I turn around and do something crazy. Something like moving to California for a summer to be with a boy that I love but have only known for ten months and have only spend 28 days face to face. Yes I do surprise myself. But I suppose that is what happens sometimes. That is what has to happen when one is growing up, sorting through people’s opinions of me and plans which I should follow. I have to sort through them and decide what is going to be thrown out and what is going to stay and take up permanent residency in this fickle head of mine.
We shall see. We shall see.
-bekah

June 10th

So I am here. California. This is what I have been waiting for these past 7 months. Dang.
Short sentences generally indicate that I cannot hold onto one thought for very long and instead can only just grasp a few key ideas from my head and formulate them into words. Deep breath. Caleb is gone. I dropped him off yesterday morning at the National Guard place where he met up with his unit and started packing for his two week long training. They left this morning on a caravan of 10 trucks and hummers. It’s really strange that I am dating a guy in the military. I guess I always thought I would be with a fellow artist or doctor or something of that nature. I suppose that Caleb isn’t going to be in the army forever as he wants to be a philosophy professor after college. And being a teacher is a form of art but instead of spreading ideas and concerns with words and fabric it uses knowledge. I got here on the 1st, which seems like just yesterday. I guess when you have been waiting for something for so long a week goes by pretty fast.

I’m too tired to write anymore. Even though it’s only 4pm in the afternoon. I think I might be getting sick or something… I felt like I was going to faint today in church. I’ve been feeling tired all the time. Ah. I’m only 21. This is not good. Tea and sleep and maybe some vogue reading. I will write more tomorrow though… I’ve promised steve I will write a lot this summer. Sometimes I think he doesn’t think I will make it as a designer… maybe I did choose wrong. No. Now it’s just the lack of sleep talking. I love what I do and can’t wait to see where God takes me.
-bekah