June 11th

I decorated my room today. After making myself a cup of tea and putting on Pandora I sat cross legged on the floor and ripped out pages from vogue to tape on the wall. After finding ones that I liked I did just that. Scotch tape and everything. I also took one of the many scarves that I brought along and pinned it to the wall above my bed so that I could pin pictures, sketches and other things on it. I reminded me of a picture I saw when I was little of my older sister when she was at Oxford. In the picture she was wearing a grey turtleneck sweater and jeans, sitting cross legged on her bed with books and notes scattered around her on the wall behind here was a huge piece of fabric pinned with pictures, notes and brochures from who knows where. Maybe that’s why I have always associated turtlenecks with college, writing and success.

Sometimes I feel like I am hiding the real me from them, from the world. If only they knew that the real me is scared to leave the house because I don’t have someone to go out with, or a map to tell me what to do first and what not to do. I surprise myself sometimes, surprised myself with how dependant I am. But then I turn around and do something crazy. Something like moving to California for a summer to be with a boy that I love but have only known for ten months and have only spend 28 days face to face. Yes I do surprise myself. But I suppose that is what happens sometimes. That is what has to happen when one is growing up, sorting through people’s opinions of me and plans which I should follow. I have to sort through them and decide what is going to be thrown out and what is going to stay and take up permanent residency in this fickle head of mine.
We shall see. We shall see.
-bekah