monday.

husband is gone for the week. missing him and home terribly. i'll skip the depressing whiny post, make some tea and put these nice happy pictures up instead.

happy monday.

bekah

i carry your heart with me...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e cummings

the plan...

lips are chapped, you bite them absentmindedly as you think. you scrape your nails against them, feeling the skin, feeling the touch. you crack your neck and sip your tea and begin...

i love having a plan. i love maps, directions and lists. i love them. i also love feeling free, having the day to do whatever, deciding at the last minute to go somewhere, visit someone. I can be reckless but i like knowing what i will be reacklessly doing.

maybe that doesn't make sense.

in any case. we are now formulating new plans here at the adam's house. previous plan didn't pan out the way we thought. back to square one. my poor little body apparently doesn't like new plans or stress. tjm which continued into possible ear infection, muscle cramping in hips and shoulders, my body likes plans too i guess. my husband is amazing, so very amazing. rubbing lotion into my freaking out planless muscles as he calmly talked to me about our options and future.

"it scares me" i whisper.

"it doesn't have to baby. it will be ok. it IS ok. we are together and that what matters."

i sigh and snuggle in closer to his warmth.

"we are together." i sigh into his chest, "you, me and jesus."

"yes" he says, and i can hear the smile in his voice.

snuggle. snuggle. we are still, we are quiet

"but can we get a fish?" i ask all at once, "i think i want a fish".

"as long as we can call him francis."

we fall asleep.

there is a plan. there is. God has one that is bigger than we can possibly know. also we might get a fish... at least that's the plan.

-bekah

to my husband...

thank you for protecting me.

you draw me up into your arms, holding me tight, you stroke my hair.

thank you for protecting me.

you shield me from myself, telling me not to listen to voices in my head.

thank you for protecting me.

you hold my hand tighter when you know i am afraid.

thank you for protecting me.

you smile and tell me not to eat that burger and then rub my tummy later.

thank you for protecting me.

you work and provide and love and care.

thank you for protecting me.

you give up weekends and that beard you want to grow.

thank you for protecting me.

you face the future and know you will have to leave, yet you continue, yet you endure.

thank you for protecting me.

you wear that uniform, carry that gun, putting your future, our future, in someone else's hands.

thank you for protecting me.

you will pack a duffle, you will leave, i will cry and not understand while you hold me and whisper....

"i am protecting you. i am protecting them."

thank you to all veterans both past and present. thank you.

separating...

Caleb is at drill. He left yesterday at 3pm and wasn't home until 12am. I was happy though because we weren't sure if he'd even get to come home for the night. Bright and early, 6am this morning, we drove to the armory and I dropped him off for the rest of the weekend.

Now here I am, sitting outside, drinking tea and wishing it was Sunday now.

This is where I laugh at myself, because I almost don't know how to function without him here, without hearing from him. I laugh because for almost the entire 18 months that he and I dated we were long distance, ranging from 2,000 to 5,000 miles apart. Now you would think that I would be good at this by now, at separating myself and being strong, but I'm not. I've lost the skill of letting go and still being ok because I wanted to lose it, I was done with it.

However, I married an army guy and therefore need to regain that skill again. Not that only army spouses deal with separation, thousands of couples do it all the time because they have to and they are freaking amazing.

In any case one weekend a month hasn't been so bad but for the past few months my husband and I have been researching and praying about delving deeper into the craziness of the army life. In short we are in the process of making some big changes and trying out for some really amazing opportunities. Which at the end of the day means that if things go as we hope they will Caleb and I will be spending the better part of the new year apart. Again. Will we ever spend a Valentines day together?

So this is what I need learn, this is what I need to do... Learn how to be ok again without him. I am going to stop being so ADHD and focus when he is gone. Not that I don't do anything while he isn't here (sales on Etsy, including custom orders, have never been higher), but I need to do something for myself every now and then. Slow down and read a book. Learn French. Make a really fabulous party dress. I guess what I'm saying is that I need to find some sort of balance because the future of being separated scares me more than I can say. Balance and love and faith.

-bekah