forever...

"People spend so much time /Every single day/Runnin' 'round all over town/Givin' their forever away/But no not me/I won't let my forever roam/And now I hope I can find/My forever a home/So give me your forever/Please your forever/Not a day less will do/From you."

-Ben Harper

hello. you must be my new life?

january. oh dear, sweet january, with your cold windy days and long rainy nights.

oh january. how i loathe you.

along with the rain, january has also brought "my new life".

"hello new life. i am bekah."

"hello bekah. i am your new life."

new life and i are still getting to know one another. in the mornings we drink tea alone together, staying cozy warm in my giant white comforter that husband bought me for christmas. we stay up very, very late and can't seem to sleep very well in this big bed. like that joni mitchell song "the bed's too big, the frying pan's too wide.". new life and i have also started school. it's nice to be a student again although i feel too old to be with people my own age. new life and i go to the gym a lot and go for nice saturday afternoon jogs in the park. new life sometimes makes me cry and crumple up into a little ball, my head to my chest, my eyes red and puffy. new life is exciting, frustrating, depressing and strengthening. sometimes new life makes me very upset. but then i breathe in and out, make tea and remember that it will make me stronger.

"hello new life. i am bekah. i am going to kick your ass."

"hello bekah. i am ready."

monroe.

i love this picture of marilyn monroe. i feel like this is me this week. cozy sweaters. blankets. messy hair. that face. that intense face. lips pursed. eyes full of feeling. so much feeling. if only she was holding a cup of tea.

stronger...

sometimes you don't want to become stronger, but you have to and so you do.

caleb was gone this past weekend at training. even though it was only a few days, nothing compared to what we've gone through, it was probably one of the hardest separations we've had in a while. it was the first time we've been apart since getting his ship date for january.

sometimes you don't want to become stronger...

i cried this past weekend. i slept in. i went to work. i rearranged our room. i hung out with friends. i went to work. i tried to imagine how i will do this in january. day after day, month after month. although it is nothing compared to some separations as i won't have to worry about his safety since he will be at training, it's still hard to process.

sometimes you don't think you can be stronger...

i picked him up yesterday around 4. we hugged and i told him i'd had a hard weekend. we stopped and got pizza (gluten free baby!) and drank wine and watched some tv and cuddled. he wrapped me up in his arms and took me to our bed. we spoke in quiet voices and were still.

sometimes you have to and so you do...

i kept waking up in the night, searching for his warmth. afraid he was gone. he pulled me closer and stroked my hair. "it's ok" he told me "i'm right here."

sometimes you don't want to become stronger, but you have to and so you do.

and so we do.

perfect.

source: pinterest

never forget.

i was there. you were there. we were there.

holding hands amongst the many streaming crowds of bustlings new yorkers.

we were there in that quiet peaceful tuesday morning.

and then the silence ended.

the screams began.

i was there. you were there. we were there.

when the towers fell. when a nation held its breath.

when the skies were covered in smoke and ash.

holding hands.

you began to fall.

i couldn't save you on that day.

i couldn't save any of the near 3,000 of you.

i watched you fall. my face white. my mind blank.

you are gone and i am here.

holding hands with nothing but air.

a blank hole in the heart of a city.

in the heart of this country.

i was there and you were there.

and we will never forget.

the next chapter...

It's been a long while since I have written here. Even now as I sit here, sun streaming into my quiet apartment, tea sitting beside me, I feel like a stranger to these keys, to this blog. It is now September, the beginning of my favorite season. I've always felt like September was more like January than January is. September means new books and the promise of another year.

Indeed new things are happening in our little household. As some of you know things have been a bit crazy with husband's job. We have been trying to move forward for quite some time and every time we get close something happens that sets us back again. September really is a time of new beginnings because on September 1st husband found out that the paperwork went through and he is leaving in January for training. The waiting has ended. The waiting has only begun. It's funny how the future can change the present. How I am changed, and we are changed because of this new direction. I have fallen asleep on his chest for the past week. Hearing his breath, feeling his skin. Trying to soak in every moment, every possible look, touch and feeling.

But we are strong. He will leave and I will stay. He will cry, and I will cry. But we are strong. It's moments like this that pull us closer together. It's the stretch, the last feating touch that will stay with us, that will keep us strong until we see each other again. But I am happy because I know that all things will work together. I am happy because I know the in spite of the tears and sorrow that this will bring it will also bring strength and a greater understanding for this love that binds us so closely.

So we continue on. We will laugh and cry and fight and love more fiercely than we knew possible. And that, I have come to realize is life. This beautiful and strange chain of events that we call life.