always.

finished with finals. finished with projects. now to pack and then leave the east. hand in hand with my partner in life. ready to start another year together. another chance at life. another chance at regret. we move forward day after day and soon years have been added to our book of life. suddenly we are that new version we were searching for.
onward. upward. and always together.

ce matin...

ce matin, le crepes sont parfait. 

ma tasse du thé es chaud et fort.

 mon mari est avec moi et vie est belle. 

pour maintenant, ce matin ce est notre matin.

currently on repeat

i love this song. it's been on repeat constantly for the last few weeks. today consists of tea, cleaning, getting my life organized and sorted before next week when all hell breaks loose and school starts. it's going to be one crazy fall! i'm so ready and excited for it. but for now i'll listen to sounds from the 70's and enjoy the morning.
-bekah

on being an "army wife"

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about being an “Army wife”.

Before we moved out here, when we still lived in our sweet California I didn’t know there were different kind of Army wives. I was one then I guess but I didn’t think about it, we simply lived our lives and occasionally husband would leave for a weekend. And then January hit and he left for the next phase, the real deal. It was different then. I felt different than those around me. My dear friends who saw my pain tried desperately to relate to the absence of not having a husband around. They tried to make me feel better by saying I was stronger, different, and they didn’t know how I could do it. While it helped a lot I mostly felt isolated, like an exotic animal in a local petting zoo. Fortunately I knew a few other exotic animals stuck in petting zoos across America who knew exactly what I was going through. Thank God for them.  Even still I didn’t think of myself as an Army wife I was simply married to a man in the Military and trying to get through one day at a time until we were together again.

Now we are here, living in the humidity of the South, a mere 30 minutes from all things Military. The longer I am here the more I realize the way one reacts to the absence of husband, the way in which you handle the crazy schedule, apparently decides what type of Army wife you are. My good friend who is one of the few who understands this life told me it would be different out here, but I didn’t really realize how much so until we got here.

I when we first got here we went to a BBQ with some of husband's buddies and their families. While the boys were out back "grilling the meat" aka talking and drinking, I began commiserating with one wife about the boy's training.  Excited to meet someone else who knew what I was going through I asked her a few questions about what her husband was currently doing. “Honey I don’t know anything about whatever he does while he’s gone! I’m not that kind of wife”. I was stunned. Not that kind of wife? What kind of wife? Is that bad? Am I that kind of wife? These are the questions I have been pondering and here is what I’ve concluded…

When my husband and I were first dating he use to tease me about being a fashion nerd. When we went shopping he would smile and nod when I would examine style lines in clothes or explained how an inverted pleat would be nicer than a regular pleat in the dress I was trying on.  Now the tables are turned. When we go shopping he may say “Oh that’s a nice jacket. But wait…”, looking at fabric content, “it’s just a wool BLEND?! Come on!”. He knows how a natural waistline differs from a drop waistline and why I don’t like wearing the latter. He has nerdy conversations with me in J. Crew about how an inset shoulder makes my broad shoulders look smaller than a raglan sleeve would. In short he is interested in what I do because he loves me, because he supports me. My husband doesn’t want to be a clothing designer, he can barely sew on a button to save his life, but he still cares about what I do. After being here for [gulp] a month already I’ve decided it’s ok if I do the same. Maybe some people do think it’s “pathetic” that I know the next class he’ll go to next, they might it’s “clingy” that I know how to sew on his unit patches and where they go. I’m not even going to admit how many times I’ve watched certain Army documentaries with him. But that is what we do. We support each other. I don’t want to be in the Military, but I obviously support those who chose to take that road. I am not in the Army. I don’t do “the hardest job in the Military” by supporting my husband in his job. I am simply a wife who loves her husband and wants to support his choices in this crazy life he lead. And for now I suppose those choices officially make me an Army wife. I am AWS [Army Wife Strong] just as much as he is ADHS [Apparel Design Husband Strong].

Sounds good to me. 

bravery.

a few months ago, in the midst of the silence that was my winter, i decided that i wanted to be brave. one brave thing per day, something i wouldn't normally do. something that scared me. during the silence i did things like go for a run through town, even though i was afraid. sometimes, on very bad days, bravery was simply going outside to get the mail. sometimes it was standing up for what i believed in class, putting a smile on at work even though i was screaming inside. sometimes it was bring friendlier to those around me. 

once the winter was over, once spring came and my love came home the bravery changed. the new bravery looked more like telling my husband what i honestly thought, even if a fight followed. letting him kiss me in public. not being embarrassed when he picked me up while we were walking down the street. sometimes bravery was simply laughing with him, not caring what those around me might think.

and now.

now the silence is back, except now it is hot. hotter than california ever was because there is humidity here. now i must be brave again. i must go for long walks in the evening when it's finally cooled down, listening to music and not thinking. i must try new places, regardless of how lonely i might feel. i must be brave, so that when he is home, when the silence is replaced with laughter and tears, fights and cuddles we can be adventurers together. oh darling, lets be adventurers! 

home.

"ah home. let me come home. home is wherever i'm with you. ah home. let me come home. home is when i'm alone with you."
-edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros.
and on june 1st he did just that. he came home. so many days, weeks, months of waiting and then it was all over. my heart is whole. my arms are full. of course this isn't the end. our future holds more absences, more long nights alone, more skype dates. but for now he is here. for now i am here.
and we are home.
-bekah

bientot

soon.
soon it will be over.
soon it will have just begun.

soon there will be nothing between us except air. air that is thick with the past five months. filled with sleepless nights. heart ache. new found strength. fights. dreams. plans. challenges. experiences. the ever present absence. and love. there will be nothing between us except what we have just accomplished.

soon my arms will hold again, my lips will kiss again. soon  you will be mine and that thick air will be nothing because you are all together my one and only something.


soon.
soon it will be over.
soon it will have just begun.

busy vs productive

it's easy to be busy, to fill our hours and days with activity after activity but it takes more thought and effort to be productive. i am learning this. i am also learning you can be productive and still have a relaxing day and you can also have a busy stressful day and get very little accomplished. if only it hadn't taken me four months to figure this out. mais, c'est la vie.

i am learning how to be productive without being stressed out. i am learning how to relax and not feel guilty about taking time to do so. relaxing is good. taking care of yourself is good. 

i am excited to see what else i am going to learn in these last weeks before life changes yet again. i am excited to see how the lessons learned during these four or so months are going to be used in my next stage of life. how i will use them to attack yet another "new life" that i will be meeting soon.

even though this has been difficult, watching the days turn into weeks turn into months and not being with my person, i am still here. i feel much stronger than i was on that winter day when he left. i have hurt a lot since there. my comforter can attest to the many sleepless nights we've spent together. mascara stains cover the once white fabric. yes. it has been hard and yet i am still here.

i am stronger because of it. i am deeper because of it. i love him more because of it and i respect myself in a whole other way.

and now. now we are but a few short weeks away from that moment where the day dreams become a reality and i can fully breathe again.

until then i will remain, tea in hand, productive. 

with you...

I am alone.

At night a swim in an ocean of blankets, trying to find peace amongst the miles of empty bed. I curl up into a ball, fetal position; my flesh the only warmth to be found. I stretch out, flexing my muscles, pointing my toes, filling all corners of our huge mattress. I hold tight to one of the many pillows, it is my only companion. But I am a fickle bedmate and soon can’t stand holding anything. Angry, I throw the pillow across the room. I thrash and kick my legs like a child throwing a fit. I hold perfectly still, eyes open staring into nothing.

And then I imagine you.

I imagine your eyes, perfect amber eyes that sparkle when you laugh. I imagine the way they look through me and understand, with only one glance everything that I am feeling. I imagine your strong body. Muscles that ripple over bones, curving to form the body I know so well. I imagine my head on your chest as we cuddle in bed on the weekend, sipping tea and planning our Saturday in hushed voices. I imagine your smell, your perfect smell that blends cedar and Old Spice and the slight smell of sweat. I imagine your body next to mine. Heat radiates from you as we lay quietly, my ever cold feet eventually finding your legs to keep me warm. I imagine you and I, together in an embrace that means more than words, more than anything I knew before I found you.

I imagine you as I hold perfectly still in our giant, empty bed, knowing that I am alone but still imagining that somehow you are there with me.

I am not alone. I am with you.

new month. new perspective.

it is march. i am very happy to say, it is finally march. i love new months, new beginnings, a fresh start and warmer weather. i welcome thee. i welcome a new season and a new perspective.

i've been thinking a lot recently. thinking about life and my purpose, my God and where and how he is going to use me. here are a few conclusions i've come to...

1. husband is in the army, i am not. life should be lived in that reality.
2. supporting husband my husband is important. very, very important. however, get caught up in his life, where he is called and what he is doing is not the same thing as supporting him.
3. i have my own life. now this is tricky. of course, we have our life together but what i mean is that i have my own passions, my own desires and my own unique person for this life. these are different then husbands. and that is good. that is normal.
4. bitterness corrodes all happiness and sense of contentment.
5. my passions, talents and desires need to be cultivated just as much as husbands do. this is one of the harder things i've been learning. husband is much more supportive of my talent than i have been and this needs to change. i need to be excited and proud of what i do too. i am talented, special and unique damnit! and i need to see that.
6. cross-fit is an amazing way to de-stress. as are long chats with loved ones far and near. as are steaming cups of tea. as are long talks with my God.
7. this is not a waiting period. this is a new lifestyle and therefore life may not, and can not be simply a waiting game until we are together again. life must be lived with gusto.
8. meals must be eaten three times a day.
9. God has both of us in different places right now. this does not mean that he does not love us, or care about us. this means the exact opposite. God loves me more than my husband and vice versa. that has also been hard to realize.
10. my Savior. my Jesus. my God. is first and foremost in my life. my husband. myself. or self-pity cannot be put in His place.

so, there you have it. a few of the things i've been learning. i have not mastered any of them, but the first step is realizing they exist. the second thing is what to do with them.

onward. upward. march is mine!

forever...

"People spend so much time /Every single day/Runnin' 'round all over town/Givin' their forever away/But no not me/I won't let my forever roam/And now I hope I can find/My forever a home/So give me your forever/Please your forever/Not a day less will do/From you."

-Ben Harper

hello. you must be my new life?

january. oh dear, sweet january, with your cold windy days and long rainy nights.

oh january. how i loathe you.

along with the rain, january has also brought "my new life".

"hello new life. i am bekah."

"hello bekah. i am your new life."

new life and i are still getting to know one another. in the mornings we drink tea alone together, staying cozy warm in my giant white comforter that husband bought me for christmas. we stay up very, very late and can't seem to sleep very well in this big bed. like that joni mitchell song "the bed's too big, the frying pan's too wide.". new life and i have also started school. it's nice to be a student again although i feel too old to be with people my own age. new life and i go to the gym a lot and go for nice saturday afternoon jogs in the park. new life sometimes makes me cry and crumple up into a little ball, my head to my chest, my eyes red and puffy. new life is exciting, frustrating, depressing and strengthening. sometimes new life makes me very upset. but then i breathe in and out, make tea and remember that it will make me stronger.

"hello new life. i am bekah. i am going to kick your ass."

"hello bekah. i am ready."

monroe.

i love this picture of marilyn monroe. i feel like this is me this week. cozy sweaters. blankets. messy hair. that face. that intense face. lips pursed. eyes full of feeling. so much feeling. if only she was holding a cup of tea.