bravery.

a few months ago, in the midst of the silence that was my winter, i decided that i wanted to be brave. one brave thing per day, something i wouldn't normally do. something that scared me. during the silence i did things like go for a run through town, even though i was afraid. sometimes, on very bad days, bravery was simply going outside to get the mail. sometimes it was standing up for what i believed in class, putting a smile on at work even though i was screaming inside. sometimes it was bring friendlier to those around me. 

once the winter was over, once spring came and my love came home the bravery changed. the new bravery looked more like telling my husband what i honestly thought, even if a fight followed. letting him kiss me in public. not being embarrassed when he picked me up while we were walking down the street. sometimes bravery was simply laughing with him, not caring what those around me might think.

and now.

now the silence is back, except now it is hot. hotter than california ever was because there is humidity here. now i must be brave again. i must go for long walks in the evening when it's finally cooled down, listening to music and not thinking. i must try new places, regardless of how lonely i might feel. i must be brave, so that when he is home, when the silence is replaced with laughter and tears, fights and cuddles we can be adventurers together. oh darling, lets be adventurers! 

home.

"ah home. let me come home. home is wherever i'm with you. ah home. let me come home. home is when i'm alone with you."
-edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros.
and on june 1st he did just that. he came home. so many days, weeks, months of waiting and then it was all over. my heart is whole. my arms are full. of course this isn't the end. our future holds more absences, more long nights alone, more skype dates. but for now he is here. for now i am here.
and we are home.
-bekah

bientot

soon.
soon it will be over.
soon it will have just begun.

soon there will be nothing between us except air. air that is thick with the past five months. filled with sleepless nights. heart ache. new found strength. fights. dreams. plans. challenges. experiences. the ever present absence. and love. there will be nothing between us except what we have just accomplished.

soon my arms will hold again, my lips will kiss again. soon  you will be mine and that thick air will be nothing because you are all together my one and only something.


soon.
soon it will be over.
soon it will have just begun.

busy vs productive

it's easy to be busy, to fill our hours and days with activity after activity but it takes more thought and effort to be productive. i am learning this. i am also learning you can be productive and still have a relaxing day and you can also have a busy stressful day and get very little accomplished. if only it hadn't taken me four months to figure this out. mais, c'est la vie.

i am learning how to be productive without being stressed out. i am learning how to relax and not feel guilty about taking time to do so. relaxing is good. taking care of yourself is good. 

i am excited to see what else i am going to learn in these last weeks before life changes yet again. i am excited to see how the lessons learned during these four or so months are going to be used in my next stage of life. how i will use them to attack yet another "new life" that i will be meeting soon.

even though this has been difficult, watching the days turn into weeks turn into months and not being with my person, i am still here. i feel much stronger than i was on that winter day when he left. i have hurt a lot since there. my comforter can attest to the many sleepless nights we've spent together. mascara stains cover the once white fabric. yes. it has been hard and yet i am still here.

i am stronger because of it. i am deeper because of it. i love him more because of it and i respect myself in a whole other way.

and now. now we are but a few short weeks away from that moment where the day dreams become a reality and i can fully breathe again.

until then i will remain, tea in hand, productive. 

with you...

I am alone.

At night a swim in an ocean of blankets, trying to find peace amongst the miles of empty bed. I curl up into a ball, fetal position; my flesh the only warmth to be found. I stretch out, flexing my muscles, pointing my toes, filling all corners of our huge mattress. I hold tight to one of the many pillows, it is my only companion. But I am a fickle bedmate and soon can’t stand holding anything. Angry, I throw the pillow across the room. I thrash and kick my legs like a child throwing a fit. I hold perfectly still, eyes open staring into nothing.

And then I imagine you.

I imagine your eyes, perfect amber eyes that sparkle when you laugh. I imagine the way they look through me and understand, with only one glance everything that I am feeling. I imagine your strong body. Muscles that ripple over bones, curving to form the body I know so well. I imagine my head on your chest as we cuddle in bed on the weekend, sipping tea and planning our Saturday in hushed voices. I imagine your smell, your perfect smell that blends cedar and Old Spice and the slight smell of sweat. I imagine your body next to mine. Heat radiates from you as we lay quietly, my ever cold feet eventually finding your legs to keep me warm. I imagine you and I, together in an embrace that means more than words, more than anything I knew before I found you.

I imagine you as I hold perfectly still in our giant, empty bed, knowing that I am alone but still imagining that somehow you are there with me.

I am not alone. I am with you.

new month. new perspective.

it is march. i am very happy to say, it is finally march. i love new months, new beginnings, a fresh start and warmer weather. i welcome thee. i welcome a new season and a new perspective.

i've been thinking a lot recently. thinking about life and my purpose, my God and where and how he is going to use me. here are a few conclusions i've come to...

1. husband is in the army, i am not. life should be lived in that reality.
2. supporting husband my husband is important. very, very important. however, get caught up in his life, where he is called and what he is doing is not the same thing as supporting him.
3. i have my own life. now this is tricky. of course, we have our life together but what i mean is that i have my own passions, my own desires and my own unique person for this life. these are different then husbands. and that is good. that is normal.
4. bitterness corrodes all happiness and sense of contentment.
5. my passions, talents and desires need to be cultivated just as much as husbands do. this is one of the harder things i've been learning. husband is much more supportive of my talent than i have been and this needs to change. i need to be excited and proud of what i do too. i am talented, special and unique damnit! and i need to see that.
6. cross-fit is an amazing way to de-stress. as are long chats with loved ones far and near. as are steaming cups of tea. as are long talks with my God.
7. this is not a waiting period. this is a new lifestyle and therefore life may not, and can not be simply a waiting game until we are together again. life must be lived with gusto.
8. meals must be eaten three times a day.
9. God has both of us in different places right now. this does not mean that he does not love us, or care about us. this means the exact opposite. God loves me more than my husband and vice versa. that has also been hard to realize.
10. my Savior. my Jesus. my God. is first and foremost in my life. my husband. myself. or self-pity cannot be put in His place.

so, there you have it. a few of the things i've been learning. i have not mastered any of them, but the first step is realizing they exist. the second thing is what to do with them.

onward. upward. march is mine!

forever...

"People spend so much time /Every single day/Runnin' 'round all over town/Givin' their forever away/But no not me/I won't let my forever roam/And now I hope I can find/My forever a home/So give me your forever/Please your forever/Not a day less will do/From you."

-Ben Harper