stronger...

sometimes you don't want to become stronger, but you have to and so you do.

caleb was gone this past weekend at training. even though it was only a few days, nothing compared to what we've gone through, it was probably one of the hardest separations we've had in a while. it was the first time we've been apart since getting his ship date for january.

sometimes you don't want to become stronger...

i cried this past weekend. i slept in. i went to work. i rearranged our room. i hung out with friends. i went to work. i tried to imagine how i will do this in january. day after day, month after month. although it is nothing compared to some separations as i won't have to worry about his safety since he will be at training, it's still hard to process.

sometimes you don't think you can be stronger...

i picked him up yesterday around 4. we hugged and i told him i'd had a hard weekend. we stopped and got pizza (gluten free baby!) and drank wine and watched some tv and cuddled. he wrapped me up in his arms and took me to our bed. we spoke in quiet voices and were still.

sometimes you have to and so you do...

i kept waking up in the night, searching for his warmth. afraid he was gone. he pulled me closer and stroked my hair. "it's ok" he told me "i'm right here."

sometimes you don't want to become stronger, but you have to and so you do.

and so we do.

perfect.

source: pinterest

never forget.

i was there. you were there. we were there.

holding hands amongst the many streaming crowds of bustlings new yorkers.

we were there in that quiet peaceful tuesday morning.

and then the silence ended.

the screams began.

i was there. you were there. we were there.

when the towers fell. when a nation held its breath.

when the skies were covered in smoke and ash.

holding hands.

you began to fall.

i couldn't save you on that day.

i couldn't save any of the near 3,000 of you.

i watched you fall. my face white. my mind blank.

you are gone and i am here.

holding hands with nothing but air.

a blank hole in the heart of a city.

in the heart of this country.

i was there and you were there.

and we will never forget.

the next chapter...

It's been a long while since I have written here. Even now as I sit here, sun streaming into my quiet apartment, tea sitting beside me, I feel like a stranger to these keys, to this blog. It is now September, the beginning of my favorite season. I've always felt like September was more like January than January is. September means new books and the promise of another year.

Indeed new things are happening in our little household. As some of you know things have been a bit crazy with husband's job. We have been trying to move forward for quite some time and every time we get close something happens that sets us back again. September really is a time of new beginnings because on September 1st husband found out that the paperwork went through and he is leaving in January for training. The waiting has ended. The waiting has only begun. It's funny how the future can change the present. How I am changed, and we are changed because of this new direction. I have fallen asleep on his chest for the past week. Hearing his breath, feeling his skin. Trying to soak in every moment, every possible look, touch and feeling.

But we are strong. He will leave and I will stay. He will cry, and I will cry. But we are strong. It's moments like this that pull us closer together. It's the stretch, the last feating touch that will stay with us, that will keep us strong until we see each other again. But I am happy because I know that all things will work together. I am happy because I know the in spite of the tears and sorrow that this will bring it will also bring strength and a greater understanding for this love that binds us so closely.

So we continue on. We will laugh and cry and fight and love more fiercely than we knew possible. And that, I have come to realize is life. This beautiful and strange chain of events that we call life.

Growth.

We bought a few plants this past week. My husband is obsessed with plants, which is kind of ironic because I'm the one who grew up in the green farmland of the Midwest. In any case, we don't have any personal outside space in our new apartment, so our little plants sit, rather precariously, in the open window soaking up the summer sun. Grow little plants, grow! And don't fall please!

Happy Friday world!

bek

Our brave plants.

currently craving...

a latte from blue bottle in SF

an adventure by bike

This travel blog photo's source is TravelPod page: The Terrace

another trip to Paris, but this time on the arm of my love.

the seesaw...

My life has been a seesaw. I feel like a kid again sitting patiently on the wood, hands gripped tightly to the handle. I don't want to fall off. I wait and wait and try to imagine what it will be like to move up and down, hair flying around my shoulders, knuckles white from hanging on. I wait and wait. Hoping to speed up time I close my eyes, focusing on the feeling of the wood, the handle, the grass between my toes. When will we start? When do I get to move? Tired of waiting one squinty eye opens, slowly, carefully. I see blurry images, nothing is clear. I decide to get off, but just as my weight begins to shift, someone sits on the other end and I'm off! Feet in the air, lungs opened in a scream of surprise, excitement, anticipation. I am flying.

Life is a sometimes like this. We wait for the ride to start, give up because it doesn't start on our time and then are surprised when we start to fly.

Can't wait to see where I land.

-bekah

and we will...

My skin is still hot, radiating heat from the afternoon sun, the ever present sun in this little valley of ours. A cup of hot tea is beside me, even though it's sunny and warm outside, I need this honey colored liquid.

Last weekend we spent time with friends on the coast and then some time in San Francisco strolling through thrift stores and eating lunch at our favorite outside cafe. Even though we haven't lived in that bright city, I still feel a connection, a sense of ownership. Maybe it's because I associate that city with Caleb, with us. After all we have a lot of memories in that city, everything from getting engaged, to fighting to kissing on every other street corner. It was nice to get away with my husband and walk through the vibrant city, our hands entwined. We talked about this next year. About how we probably aren't going in the direction we thought and therefore will be staying here. How he will leave in November for training, how we will move to Sac or SF in December, depending on where I get into school and how... how he will leave in January.

I felt a quiet, somber peace as I realized he will be gone sooner than I thought. I sipped lemon water and studied his face as we sat, soaking up the Spring sun. I love this man and he loves me. Right now we are together, but soon we won't and then we will have to be strong.

And we will be ok. We will.

after the airplane lands...

fingers reach out, as skin touches skin. head on his chest, lost in folds of clothing and muscle, breathing deep of that smell that calms me. cedar and old spice. head tilts upwards, eyes meet. green meet brown. chest exhales while the world spins around. there is nothing but this, nothing but we, us, together. hand reaches to hand. hearts entwined.

never leave.

never leave.

dress up and tea.

sisters are here to visit. it's so nice to have family around. more people to have tea with, listen to harry potter with, make clothes with. oh, how i've missed my sisters! and oh, how i love them!

tomorrow will be filled with more adventuring and of course, tea. here are a few snaps of our time playing dress up.

-bekah

Project Chair

On a recent thrifting adventure husband and I found this cute little vintage arm chair, which we spent a grand total of $5.50 on. We both love it. It needs a little work on the frame, some sanding and although I love the vintage fabric, it's pretty dirty and ratty, so I'm going to reupholster it. So this is our new project, which I'm pretty excited about!

(our living room)

(isn't it sweet?)

(loving the details!)

In other news, we got the go ahead for the next step from NG to Active Army. This is both somewhat scary and a huge answer to prayer. We are excited and learning how to trust God more and more with our future. I've been busy working on sewing projects for an organization called "The Orphan Grain Project. I love being able to use my love of sewing for helping people and spreading God's word. And... that's about it. I'm enjoying the warmth and sun and being able to spend my life with my best friend and love.

-bekah

this word called love...

Deeper than deep and further than I thought possible, this love in my heart grows.

Heartstrings pull and stretch. They grow from new found use. They are stronger than before. For this love in my heart grows.

We thought we knew the word, that great word that is spoken in soft whispers, in joyful shouts. We thought we knew the meaning, the feeling. But we were only children, still we are children. Children who are learning, who are growing. Growth that echos the deepening understanding of this word called love. I thought I knew this word, I thought I knew this boy. How much we have learned. How much has my understanding of this man grown. This man who holds my heart, my hand. Heartstrings pull, heartstrings ache. How could we hurt this much? How could pain be so beautiful? For it makes us understand that word, the elusive word called love that the world searches for. The pain heals, the heart grows and your hand fits even more perfect in mine with each struggle. With each struggle. Deeper than deep and further than I thought possible, this love in my heart grows.

-bekah

as the dust settles...

we are home.

christmas was a whirlwind of snow, late nights, laughs, adventures and seeing dear friends and family. we were in wisconsin for a whole 9 days, including travel days, and still i feel like we weren't there long enough. so many people still to see, so many places to reminisce. i wish we could have stayed longer, much, much longer. yet, i am happy to be back, happy to be here in our little apartment with our little routine.

there were a few days in the middle of our stay in wisconsin in which i felt splintered, very splintered. driving through menomonie on our way to meet with friends my heart hurt. i didn't realize how much i missed that little college town until i came back. i felt like i should stay there and caleb should leave. i felt like i needed to go back to where i was. but i can't and i realized, as i talked to friends, that i didn't want to. i have changed, they haven't and i can't go back now. so i smiled, imagining college bekah walking those cold wisconsin streets, as we drove away.

new years eve was a beautiful intimate night spent with my love at "saffron", an amazing restaurant in minneapolis. we got dressed up and sipped wine and ate 6 courses of delicious food served by my amazing brother-in-law, who works there. just before midnight we talked about the coming year, about the trials and changes that will come. i realized as i looked at my husband that this year he will go, be it national guard or active, he will be deployed. we will be apart once again. sometimes i don't think i will be strong enough, sometimes i don't want to be. but life is just that... life. it ebbs and flows even if we don't want it to. change will come and it will test us and shape us into stronger better people.

at midnight we kissed, while snow fell outside and coldplay sang about yellow. it was an amazing night.

-bekah