relieved, like a drilled oil line...

quick. sit down and write it out. right here. right now. before it slips away, that thought that is the inspiration, the idea in one sentence. don't think, just write and then sitting before you, after a few tense minutes in which you listen to music with all your heart, typing away with unsure fingers, it sits. there before you are your thoughts composed in a few short sentences. most people won't understand. most people won't like it, but you feel better, as if a bubble was popped, as if a blister was stuck, an oil line was drilled allowing the pressure out. letting the pressure of your air conditioned little thoughts out of your head, out of your heart. now you are free. go and do something productive while the pressure is still relieved.

-bekah

"a song outside my window and the traffic wrote the words..."

sweet herbal tea. drifting notes of semi sorrowful music from "the autumn film" blowing over me here on the deck. a light breeze. i am wearing sweats and almost drowning in my husbands sweatshirt. Feet are propped up on a chair, knees bent, hair down, messy from sleep. eyes blink.

good morning modesto. good morning california.

it's funny that i actually live in california. funny that i actually live here. i'm not here for a visit or even here in a dream, hoping and wishing this would be real, because it is. i actually live in this little apartment. apartment that is messy all the time, strewn this mugs, wine glasses, clothes and current projects. apartment where i spend my days trying to create, trying to make something to wear that reflects who i am and how i feel, something that proves difficult when feelings and ideas are bouncing off each other. i spend my days here calming those thoughts, channeling them into something more. i spend my days listening to music. listening to band after band. listening to books on tape. listening to traffic, honks, neighbor's music and sidewalk cleaners. listening to loud children. listening to really loud children. listening to annoyed mothers swearing at said children, forgotten windows left open. but on some quiet mornings, like this morning, i get to listen to the breeze, the streaming sun, quiet air conditioners, our baby plants growing and my heart. thump. thump. thump.

i sew, sketch, write, work out, clean, think and wait. wait for another sound. there it is...

the sound of foot steps on the stairs, coming up two at a time. my eyes smile. the sounds of keys in the door. i put down my work. the handle turns and there he is, eyes searching until he spots me. we smile. my arms are around his neck. "hello love." he whispers, "hey you." i whisper back.

*sounds of kissing*

pieces that reflect who i am...now.

this is me: sitting cross-legged on the floor staring at my computer screen, sipping a cold mike's hard and listening to william fitzsimmons. i don't count mike's hard a real "drink" and can therefore have it at 3pm on a thursday. today i sketched a lot, as you can see in the picture below. i listened to music, *cough and harry potter cough*, skimmed through magazines and tried to be creative. i'm really happy to be sketching again, and sewing. i've missed sewing. i finished a vest this morning that i started yesterday. made of lace and muslin, it's rather boxy shaped and perfect over a little dress. said vest and sketches you can see below are part of my new little etsy store i plan on opening later this summer. i've had www.deuxsoeur.etsy.com for a while now and feel like i've out grown it, so if any of you want super on sale items check out the link! i'm actually really excited about opening a new store. i want the clothing to be more romantic, hence the lace, but also tougher, rougher, military inspired. i want them to reflect where i am at in life. very romantic this place in life is, but it's also forced me to be tough. Not tough like i was in london, trying to be stone and not think about boy, but tough as in 'i am far away from people i love but i love him more and therefore need to trust God and continue on'. more like that kind of tough.

i'll post some pictures when i've made more pieces. right now i'm working on a little embellished t-shirt that is so soft and long! then it's onto a long jersey skirt with deep, deep pockets. mmmm..... jersey....

new dishes...new life.

tuesday morning. it will be hot today, so hot that i will stay inside most of the day with the AC on, but for now a cool morning breeze is keeping this little apartment cool. cool enough that i can still enjoy my morning cup of tea, in our new mugs. green and white. flowers and stripes. new dishes. new pillows. new set of pans. new husband. new life. i now live in california, the sunshine state, where people are, for the most part very chill and the weather is hot. hot. hot.

this week is our second full week here. husband has been going to work. i have been enjoying waking up to him putting on his uniform. soldier husband. i wake up and am kissed. i wake up and make sandwiches and pack them. i wake up and hug him, not wanting to let go, but at least these good-bye hugs only have to sustain me until this evening when he gets home. boots dirty, face smiling, coming home to me, his wife. at least these good-byes don't have to last a month, or two, or three. thank you Jesus that that season of life is over for now! i use to be afraid, well more afraid than i am now about the prospect of saying those good-byes again, when he will have to leave me for a long time. i am still afraid, but not as much. i know

t

hat we are strong, and that Christ is stronger. that is what i cling to. until then...

i have been sketching a lot. it feels good to be creative again, like reading an old favorite or stretching a muscle that has been unused for a while. i am sketching, listening to music, my new obsession is "band of horses", and enjoying life. i am working out a lot, caleb and i are both encouraging each other to stay hot, and i am cooking, homemade pasta last night. which was amazing, chicken cooked in white wine, steamed peppers, thick noodles that are much harder to made than i thought. noodles are hard to make! i kept cutting them too fat, they look like big juicy worms. i'll have to practice and try again. yes, noodles are hard to make and so is the adjustment to living 2,000 miles away from "home", but i am learning. i am loved. no more good-byes for now, so i am happy. oh yes! so very happy, even though it's hot.

-bekah

rings of gold

Drops of warm summer rain bouncing off green open leaves mimicked the smiling guest faces that were covered in drops of rain and the occasional tears. Puddles of watery mud covered the ground, covered the path, and covered the hem of my white silk dress. The path ended as we neared the rows of chairs, my father whispering in my ear, my heart beating and my head swimming with the scene before me. So many people, so many faces, eyes falling on the two of us as we walked out of the rain and into the airy tent. Light from so many paper lanterns cast a warm glow on the guests, who smiled with anticipation. There we were, my father and I standing before the crowd of people. Yet while we walked up the aisle, people rising around us looking at us, I saw only one person. Through the lace veil my mom had made I saw him. My love. My boy. My Caleb. Our eyes met and I couldn’t stop smiling. He was so perfect. Light gray suit, black tie and those piercing pencil colored eyes, looking at me, looking through me as they always had. There he was, the person I had been waiting for, the person I had been saving myself for. Before me, smiling that smile I knew so well stood my best friend, my lover.

Then my veil was being lifted up, a kiss on the cheek from my Dad. I hugged him tight and whispered “I love you Daddy”. I had to tell him to put the lace back over my face, causing the crowd to laugh, before he took Caleb’s hand. With that handshake my Dad gave me away. He gave his little girl to her love, and stepped back. Caleb grasped my hands tight as we stood there before family, friends and our God. My heart was beating so fast, my eyes kept scanning his face, trying to take in the moment. “Hey” he mouthed as we stood there, “Hey” I replied silently as our pastor spoke about love and commitment. I vaguely remember repeating our vows, trying not to cry as Caleb told me he would love me, take care of me, as I vowed to honor him and love him till death parted us. Then I was given the cold ring and looking into his shinning eyes slid the band of gold onto his warm finger. I thought I would break down right then and there as he stood before me, rings gleaming on our fingers. Thoughts ran through my head as I looked at him. How had this day arrived already? Was time moving faster than it normally did? My head was spinning, but it along with my heart stopped as our pastor announced us and told Caleb to kiss me, his bride. Through the lace I saw his shaking hands, saw his fingers grasp the veil and lift it. Then I straightened, Caleb’s hand was on my face as he lifted my chin up. And we kissed. Husband and wife, we kissed. Peace flooded me in that moment. Time stood still. Finally we were together, no more good-byes, we were together. In that moment all was still, all was silent and I was no longer a bride, no longer stressed and full of anxiety. I was simply Bekah, a girl, a woman, kissing Caleb, a boy, my man. We were married. Pulling away from each other we were met with applause from those we loved and hand in hand we walked out, out into the rain, into the rest of our lives.

it started....

before the finish there is a start. before the end there has to be a beginning. there is a beginning. it starts right after you take a step into the beyond that lies before you. remember?

it started when you signed up for college classes your freshmen year. when you went to orientation. it started when you first noticed a guy hitting on you, as you stood twirling your hair, bitting your lip, wondering if all of college would be like this. it started with that tiny bit of confedence you got. started when you stood up straighter. before it ends, and it will end, there was countless walks to class, your hands deep in your pockets, music flowing into your ears as you avoided eye contact with other students. maybe you were an anti-social homeschool child. it started with all of those summer days spent with friends. tubbing down the river, laughing so hard you couldn't breathe. it started with the first time you saw your older sister cry and tried to imagine how love could be anything but detremental to the soul. it started with that fight you had with your parents about politics, the anger you felt at not being understood. maybe you didn't understand after all. it started with fittings, fashion shows and photo shoots. it started with staying up late sewing while your roomate tried not to hear the hum of the sewing machine. you watched late night tv alot. it started with your first bible study. the adult you found yourself becoming as you learned more about your God, your faith. as you learned that it was your own and not your parents faith that dwelled within you. it started when you talked to him for the first time. his voice was higher than you remembered. the first time you saw him walking up the sidewalk, his hands deep in his pockets. he was so hot. you couldn't believe why he was interested in you. it started when you saw him take that deep breath as he came closer. he was so nervous. it started with that first smile. the way you jumped into his arms and the way that he caught you, swinging you around so you felt like kid again. it was the way that his heart beat, so fast, as you laid your head on his chest. finally. finally.
and now it ends. one week until it ends. one week until it begins.
-bekah

such a lazy girl...

oh dear. i am sorry dear blog, i haven't updated you in such a very long time. then again i suppose i'm not really a lazy girl... just a lazy blogger. life has been filled, filled, filled to the brim with packing and sewing, running and planning, crying and fighting, laughing and tanning. i am getting married in two weeks. i have packed 7 boxes of my life and have drunken so many cups of tea on the porch, trying to soak up these last few weeks at home. caleb is leaving tomorrow morning, driving 2,100 miles in his explorer filled with wine to see me. to marry me.

little heart. so filled. so empty. needy and strong. i want to marry him. i want to move away and start our lives together. but i hate leaving people. i hate hurting people by moving to far away land which is also known as california. i know i have to, i just wish it didn't hurt so much.

pictures are of... flowers, because they make me happy.lots of wooden a's i'm going to paint and use in the decor. my wedding shoes. my wedding necklace made by my talented little sisters. and finally flower girl dresses for cat and alya that i recently finished.

i'll try to update more often.
bek