fringe...

on love.

i've been listening to this song called "skinny love", amazing acoustic by bon iver, at lease 5 times a day for the past week. it's amazing. i love acoustic music like this, so powerful and emotional without being too loud or sad.

we've had a lot of ups and downs this week. it's fall and i miss my leaf covered bluffs of wisconsin, the crisp air in the morning and my mom's chex mix. my friend called me this morning and crunched through leaves for me so i could hear the sound, i felt so loved. i am loved, it's just from far away. yet, this love from my husband is the most complete i've ever felt from a human. sometimes i can't believe that he really loves me. even when i slam things around? even when i cry and cry for no apparent reason? even when i'm so, so whiney?

yes, he loves me.

it's a crazy feeling, crazy to try and understand that love. when we were dating i always questioned my love for this california boy, but never questioned his. now it's the other way around. sometimes i get so worried about him driving to work, going for long runs, or the idea of him going to that desert to fight. sometimes i get so worried because i love him, more than i ever thought i could love someone. i literally cannot imagine not loving him. i can't even imagine what it must be like to have kids, experiencing that fierce love of a parent.

no babies for us yet...

in any case, it has been a hard week, not really for us but for me, which i guess in turn means for us. we haven't been fighting or angry or anything, i've just been away from my family for over four months now and sometimes i really miss them. sometimes it physically hurts, which i haven't felt since caleb and i had to say good-bye every month. i hurt for him then, i hurt for them now. sometimes i cry and my love pulls me into his arms and strokes my hair and kissing my forehead and tries to calm me down.

i've been feeling a lot this week, which is, as i'm finding out, so much harder than not feeling.

i think it's healthier though, even though it may not feel like it at times.

little emo kid.

this is what i think...

i think that i am obsessive person. i find something i like. i get an idea and then BAM i obsess over it until it is done. until it is over. then, after i'm done, i am a little blank. i am a little washed out like a chalk drawing on sidewalk after it's rained.

my poor husband. he is beyond amazing and takes care of me when i'm high on my ideas or totally blank and out of inspiration. like an empty, dry mug of tea, which is a very sad thing in itself.

this is what i think... my husband is very perceptive.

a few days ago i was working on a gift for someone. a cute little piece for their little baby. in any case things weren't going so well with this little gift. i kept sewing it wrong or messing up the patterning. i threw it across the room a few times and probably swore a lot, all while my husband calmly made dinner in the kitchen. a while later, when we were sitting at the table finishing up our little concoction of food and sipping our preferred drinks(wine cooler for me, amber ale for him), husband turns to me.

"you know" he says, slowly putting down his fork, "you really are an artist."

"what do you mean?" i ask laughing.

"you know... you get really upset sometimes and throw your stuff on the ground. And you hate it sometimes and you are such a perfectionist. "

"yep." i say sipping my fuzzy navel

"but you love it, you think about it all the time. you HAVE to do it, your that involved. it's just crazy."

i laugh.

it's funny to live with someone and then have them tell things about yourself. i guess he is right though. little emo artist that i am. sometimes i wish i wasn't. sometimes i wish i just liked doing this instead of needing to in order to feel like my universe is in place.

sigh.

at least it's not boring here!

more tea.

-bek

morning dialog

Sometimes we talk.

Sometimes it’s in quiet little voices, barely a whisper. Lying in bed together wishing the morning hadn’t come so early today, wishing we could stay here forever.

“Hey baby.” He says. Soft lips touch my face, fingers entwined in my hair.

“Hi” I mumble trying to remember where I am, “Is it morning already?” I’m a mess in the morning, normally it takes me a long time to wake up and compute the world around me.

“Yes. Come and wake up with me!” he says jumping on the bed, curling up next to or rather on top of me. We cuddle. He tickles me. I try to laugh but am so sleepy. He jumps out of bed and pulls the covers off my body, which is not very nice at all.

“I’m SO cold!” I say curling up tighter.

“No!” he says putting cold hand on my legs, “You are SO hot!” laughing he leaves the room with an “Oh baby!”. I sigh and pull covers back on me, tight around my face.

“Will you turn the water on?” I call out. I need tea. I want to go back to bed. Sleep. I love sleeping in. But soon I hear him making breakfast. I sigh realizing I should probably get up now.

Bed warm feet hit the floor. The day begins.

sometimes thinking...

it's quiet this morning. the few gentle sounds outside, sounds of the world waking up mingle with the ticking clock inside, the quiet music and my typing fingers. the only change has been the amount of tea in my now empty cup and the amount of sunlight streaming into our little apartment.

i've been thinking a lot. now and then i do that. think. it's kind of overwhelming sometimes, because my little heart feels so much and my mind tries to process it but sometimes it's too much. i've been thinking a lot about God. about my Jesus. about my relationship with him. i've realized i have been a pretty selfish christian recently. i've been reading the word everyday for a long time, something i use to struggle with a lot, but all summer, until recently, i've felt dry. not far away from God, but just dry, does that make sense? my head knowledge and belief in my God has not wavered but my heart condition has been questionable. i realized i've been acting selfish sometime last week, when i found out i wasn't going to school due to finances. when i found out my plans would have to change i was comforted by the fact that God had a plan and i would be well taken care of, well that is easy to realize but sometimes hard to believe. i began to take pity on myself. i began to bring up old issues i use to struggle with. i brought them out into the light again, petted them and wondered if i should pre sue them again. it wouldn't hurt right? it wasn't like i was sinning against my husband or doing him wrong. this issue was about me. so i thought about it, i obsessed over it. i calmly told my husband what i had been thinking. he asked me why. he asked me why. i told him i wanted to. i got upset and curled up in a little ball on our bed, feeling comforted by my own pity, by my fleshly issues. he asked again what was wrong but i was silent. "be strong" a voice inside said.

"we should pray" my husband said, the voice inside didn't like that. "i don't want to" i mumbled, "i feel too dirty to talk to God".

"your not too dirty, but we should pray." he answered. this dialog went on for sometime, back and forth until finally i gave in. i prayed to my God, grudgingly at first and then with earnest. i told him i was being selfish because i was trying to find my way through my messed up flesh instead of in him. i told him i was sorry for not talking to him first, for not trusting him. then my husband prayed for me. in that moment i felt so loved. loved by my husband, his arms wrapped around me, and by my God. i could almost sense a smile.

so it's been about a week now. my little heart is trying not to be so selfish, not as consumed with myself. my time in God's word has been newer too. not 180 degrees different, but it's slowly been opening up, or rather i have, He's been here all along. like opening up an old favorite book, but being excited to sift through the pages rather than being bored.

-bekah

lessons...

identity: should be found in God first and not in wanting to be a student.

trust: must learn how to do this better, because if i cannot trust my God or my husband with every fiber of my being then i want to control.

control: and just because school fell through this fall and my neat little plan has been ruffled does not give me licensee to try and control, to an unhealthily extent, other parts of life.

these are some of the lessons we shall be learning this fall.

-bekah

fall cravings...

the tea isn't hot anymore. only lukewarm but still it tastes like home. sipping, letting it trickle down your throat and then finishing with smacking lips. hair falls into your face again. fingers rub sleep out of your eyes. a bird sings outside, welcoming the hope of fall to this sunny valley. it is still cool outside, but you are not fooled, just because the calender says september doesn't mean that it won't hit 100 degrees today. you stop to crack all of your fingers and toes because they need to breathe. you need to breathe.

fall has always been my favorite season. i have written about the alluring feeling of fall so many times. i have poems and stories and starry eyed freshman college accounts of this season. a season of change and possibilities, hot tea and movement through the stale dry heat of summer.

this year it's different. i am not gearing up for a hard, cold winter. i am not walking through piles of brightly colored leaves strewn across every street. i will though. the leaves will fall here but not for a month or two. it will get cold enough to wear a sweatshirt past 8am, but i will have to wait. it is still dry here, it is still summer. once the rain comes things will cool down, things will feel more like home. it is different this year.

different and in a way so much better. i have never felt so at home and yet so far away from it. can you understand? my best friend is with me. my love wakes me up with soft words and softer kisses. he goes to work and i go to school. learning. finally learning again. awed by how much french i have forgotten and furious with teachers for slandering my God. oh public education. it has been a while.

it feels so natural to be back in school. so natural to come home from a long day of classes to find my husband smiling, pulling me into a hug, kissing my forehead. so natural. yet i am so homesick. i want to feel cold again. i want crisp natural air not just air-conditioning. homesick for a place that isn't home anymore.

cracks neck.

-bekah