the pause...

"The pause----- that impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence, which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words, howsoever felicitous, could accomplish it."

-Mark Twain

quiet warmth

silent sunshine is streaming through my open window. streaming quietly, gently onto my sleepy face. eye lids flutter, head nuzzles the pillow. wrapped up in an old quilt i am sitting, welcoming in the morning with a sleepy, happy face. hello sun. hello tea. hello quiet world. the warmth from the sun feels so comforting on my face. a little hug. i close my eyes and stretch my neck up onto the pillow, trying to get as much sun as possible onto my skin. so warm. so quiet.

new day.

mint tea and acoustic music. generally this is how i spend my morning. reading blogs, reading about fashion trends and new collections, reading my bible, trying to listen and be quiet, something that i'm finding requires lots of practice.

marriage is hard. not that i don't like it. not that i don't want this ring on my finger anymore, but it's hard. it takes a lot of work and so much communication. so much communication. i'm realizing more and more how little i thought i knew about marriage. how little i knew how i would react, how i would change. don't worry though, this isn't a blog slamming my husband or going into detail about our relationship in the easy or hard times. i'm simply realizing how much i thought i knew about marriage and how much i've been surprised by it.

another thing is that i am, although i didn't think it was possible, falling more and more in love with my husband. he is truly my other half. he understands me better than i do myself sometimes i feel beyond blessed to spend my life with him. i can't even imagine not being with him. i almost shake my head in wonder at how God has brought us together from two totally different worlds. truly, truly blessed.

and happy. even though it's hard. even though i miss my family(thank you so much for the encouraging words by the way). even though i don't know where we will be living a year from now, i am with my best friend, my lover, my person. as long as we have each other, as long as we look towards God for direction and fulfillment we will be more than just fine.

young married people. oh! how much we have to learn.

bekah

splinters

it's morning, not too early, but early enough that the sun has not yet taken all the cool air that settled during the night. i love mornings here. a cup of steaming tea and a blanket to curl up with, it reminds me of fall at home.

home.

such a strange word. what does it mean? if home is where you grew up then home for me is in hager city, where i lived from ages 11-19, and one summer after that. if home is that place than my home is an old farm house. it is painting for hours on end, re-roofing the house, making sun tea and picking in the garden. spending summers in mostly just bikinis and winters in 1,001 layers and thick wool socks. surrounded by sisters and brother, mom and dad. so many dishes to do and memories to make. if home is that then i am not home...

if home is where the heart is, like that saying, then home is here. home is with my love, my other half. home is jumping into his arms, knowing he would do anything to protect me, support me. it would be in the silent way he looks at me, looks through me. the way i run my hands through his hair and kiss his cheek. home is here then, in our little apartment in this valley. if that is home then i am here...

it's the splice between the two, the chasm that i know is there, though not visible to all, i know it there. splintered little bekah, trying to go on and be brave. at least i have his hand to hold, at least i know that God has a plan. even though i know all of that in my head, splinters still hurt.

relieved, like a drilled oil line...

quick. sit down and write it out. right here. right now. before it slips away, that thought that is the inspiration, the idea in one sentence. don't think, just write and then sitting before you, after a few tense minutes in which you listen to music with all your heart, typing away with unsure fingers, it sits. there before you are your thoughts composed in a few short sentences. most people won't understand. most people won't like it, but you feel better, as if a bubble was popped, as if a blister was stuck, an oil line was drilled allowing the pressure out. letting the pressure of your air conditioned little thoughts out of your head, out of your heart. now you are free. go and do something productive while the pressure is still relieved.

-bekah

"a song outside my window and the traffic wrote the words..."

sweet herbal tea. drifting notes of semi sorrowful music from "the autumn film" blowing over me here on the deck. a light breeze. i am wearing sweats and almost drowning in my husbands sweatshirt. Feet are propped up on a chair, knees bent, hair down, messy from sleep. eyes blink.

good morning modesto. good morning california.

it's funny that i actually live in california. funny that i actually live here. i'm not here for a visit or even here in a dream, hoping and wishing this would be real, because it is. i actually live in this little apartment. apartment that is messy all the time, strewn this mugs, wine glasses, clothes and current projects. apartment where i spend my days trying to create, trying to make something to wear that reflects who i am and how i feel, something that proves difficult when feelings and ideas are bouncing off each other. i spend my days here calming those thoughts, channeling them into something more. i spend my days listening to music. listening to band after band. listening to books on tape. listening to traffic, honks, neighbor's music and sidewalk cleaners. listening to loud children. listening to really loud children. listening to annoyed mothers swearing at said children, forgotten windows left open. but on some quiet mornings, like this morning, i get to listen to the breeze, the streaming sun, quiet air conditioners, our baby plants growing and my heart. thump. thump. thump.

i sew, sketch, write, work out, clean, think and wait. wait for another sound. there it is...

the sound of foot steps on the stairs, coming up two at a time. my eyes smile. the sounds of keys in the door. i put down my work. the handle turns and there he is, eyes searching until he spots me. we smile. my arms are around his neck. "hello love." he whispers, "hey you." i whisper back.

*sounds of kissing*

pieces that reflect who i am...now.

this is me: sitting cross-legged on the floor staring at my computer screen, sipping a cold mike's hard and listening to william fitzsimmons. i don't count mike's hard a real "drink" and can therefore have it at 3pm on a thursday. today i sketched a lot, as you can see in the picture below. i listened to music, *cough and harry potter cough*, skimmed through magazines and tried to be creative. i'm really happy to be sketching again, and sewing. i've missed sewing. i finished a vest this morning that i started yesterday. made of lace and muslin, it's rather boxy shaped and perfect over a little dress. said vest and sketches you can see below are part of my new little etsy store i plan on opening later this summer. i've had www.deuxsoeur.etsy.com for a while now and feel like i've out grown it, so if any of you want super on sale items check out the link! i'm actually really excited about opening a new store. i want the clothing to be more romantic, hence the lace, but also tougher, rougher, military inspired. i want them to reflect where i am at in life. very romantic this place in life is, but it's also forced me to be tough. Not tough like i was in london, trying to be stone and not think about boy, but tough as in 'i am far away from people i love but i love him more and therefore need to trust God and continue on'. more like that kind of tough.

i'll post some pictures when i've made more pieces. right now i'm working on a little embellished t-shirt that is so soft and long! then it's onto a long jersey skirt with deep, deep pockets. mmmm..... jersey....